Why are men left out of the s*x positivity movement's inner circle?
S*x-positivity is for everyone, but it's going to take reframing our understanding of masculinity to make that happen in a real way.
Hello unicorn babe,
Ive gotten lot of really positive and supportive messages after last week’s newsletter (you can read it here, if you missed it). So, to everyone who reached out, it’s deeply appreciated. I try to be as raw and honest with you as I can. I know that isn’t conventional for a therapist-in-training, but it’s who I’ve always been with you guys since the very beginning. I plan to honor that.
Authenticity is one of our greatest superpowers. And being able to own it in a world that demands submission is pretty baller. Am I tooting my own horn? Yes. Because we should all applaud out accomplishments and be loud about it.
In that same vein of being truly authentic and real, I want to chat a bit about masculinity in our culture. Look, I love men. I so very much want everyone to be included in the sex-positivity movement. There is space for one and all. I know this is difficult for some cis-men, as they constantly feel “attacked” by women and queer folx.
The problem? Toxic masculinity is the very reason why it feels like there is little space for cis-men amongst sex positive folx. When a group of people (men) constantly crosses boundaries and is known for harming people, they get a reputation. They force women and queer folx to always be on guard, ready to fight or flight at a moment’s notice. The nervous system feels dis-regulated. We feel on edge. Cis-men heterosexual men don’t know what this feels like. There is a disconnect when one group has always felt in control and safe while the other has felt afraid and like they don’t have any say in what happens to them. You feel me?
This got me mulling over a friendship from some years ago, back in my Elite Daily days. This is a story the illustrates why men so often are left out of the inner circle of the sex positive group, a story about crossing boundaries, and harming others due to sheer entitlement. It was a male/female friendship, one that burned brightly for a few months before dying quietly with a string of unanswered texts.
He wanted to f*ck me, and I wanted literally nothing less.
I thought he and I had made it past it that “sexual undercurrent” phase - something so many women and those raised female feel obligated to conquer. I’d been clear about my feelings and about how I felt about us having sex - in the sense that I did NOT have interest in it. I really believed we were just friends, and everything was fine. As it turned out, I grossly misinterpreted our friendship. His desire for sexual interaction was still there; the only reason it was not taking place because I didn't want it. Or, should I say, it didn’t take place when I was sober.
Whenever I was wasted (this guy was a favored drinking buddy), I guess I "lead him on" somehow by just being friendly, and he misinterpreted those signals as me wanting to hook up. It’s always the foreboding onus, right? The self-blame. The feeling like we’re responsible for the harm that befalls us.
And, like many people, when I'm drunk, I'm easily coerced into a lot of stupid things, such as hooking up with someone I have no interest in. Always seems like a good idea under the influence. It is also always rape.
He wasted no time trying to jump at the opportunity to take advantage of my intoxicated poor decision-making. I have a persistent feeling there were times when I wasn’t even conscious enough to say yes or no when he assaulted me. I can feel it in my bones. It never goes away.
When you're under the influence, fully animate or not, you are not in the right mind to give consent. My choice to drink and be friendly does not mean I made a choice to f*ck him.
My other friends saw his inappropriate behavior happening at parties. They repeatedly told me my "friend" was being a goddamn creep and was handsy and gross when I was drunk. They told me to ditch him.
So, after one-too many of these drunken public occurrences, I decided I had had enough. What my friends didn’t know was that he had raped me. Several times. And I kept hanging out with him because I thought I had brought it upon myself. I thought I had gotten it wrong, that I had asked for it.
For a long time, I blamed myself for sending these so-called "mixed signals." I felt bad for him. I felt like he just needed a friend. He needed me to be there for him. And then I was like, Wait no. I’m in no way obligated to f*ck a guy just because he is misinterpreting my drunken friendliness as sexual desire.
Somehow, it was my fault for not wanting a sexual relationship, as opposed to his fault for not wanting a friendship with me.
As Scientific American so eloquently puts it, in male and female friendships:
“the possibility remains that this apparently platonic co-existence is merely a facade, an elaborate dance covering up countless sexual impulses bubbling just beneath the surface.”
It feels like friendship is NEVER enough, is it? Friendships between men and women are possible almost entirely because women don't reciprocate their straight male friends' desire to f*ck.
Don’t get me wrong. This isn’t always true. Of course men and women can be just real-ass friends, but this is so much rarer than the more sinister form these friendships take. It takes a man really truly getting and knowing that women are humans and that isn’t what the narrative our society has spoon-fed us. It just isn’t.
Most men act like they are "friend-zoned" if a woman doesn’t want to be more than friends. It's as if a woman’s friendship is an insult, as if it is some kind of distasteful consolation prize. If we don’t offer to f*ck a guy, or agree to f*ck a guy, we’re doing something wrong. We are the gatekeepers of the male libido. We are the omnipresent Tease.
When you’re in this disorienting situation as a woman, suddenly everything you do becomes a series of “mixed signals,” and you’re being “unfair” when you’re just literally being yourself and trying to have a normal friendship with someone who is putting a bunch of pressure on you for more - pressure you never asked for.
It is far too often that we’re valued for sex over our personalities, and that, my friends, is truly disgraceful.
And this is why I need feminism and why I need sex-positivity. Because what the actual f*ck kind of world do we live in where this is the reality women face on a daily basis?
I want cis-men in the sex-positivity movement. Guys, I want you here. I want you all here. I applaud those cis-men who stand up against the cis-normative bullshit and fight for equality. I just wish there were more of you.
The only way we’re going to be able to let our collective guards down and invite straight men to engage with us in a way that allows us feel safe (and be safe) is if we stop teaching men that they have a right to women’s bodies. That women are objects. That we are there to feed their desire.
Otherwise, this separation will go on. Toxic masculinity is dangerous and it’s going to take a full reframing of our cultural understanding of what it is to “be a man” before change can happen. I think men are rad, but I think that most of them are not where they need to be to join us yet. If this offends anyone,
I don’t really give a shit. If you’re offended, take a look in the mirror. Where is this anger coming from? What are YOUR values? Ask yourself. It’s only when we look at our own internal compass, question our belief systems, and be willing to challenge convention that we figure out where we need work on ourselves. Myself included, trust me.
This week’s mantras:
Be good to women.
I am worthy of autonomy. I am the only one with right to my body.
I will love myself.
I love you. Have a great week.
XOXO Auntie Gigi
~Good readsSSsSSS~
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For The Body, this week, I explained why I, as a sex coach and clinical practitioner, recommend having an orgasm every single day. I know this is a stretch for many, but three times a week? That’s doable. Orgasms are genuinely a key component in human happiness. Orgasms have a ton of amazing health benefits, and to reap all of their wonderful mental and physical health rewards, you need to have them on a regular basis. So get on it.
Five of the Most Common Misconceptions About BDSM
For InsideHook, I explored the many misconceptions that people have around BDSM and kink. People are as diverse in their sexual preferences as they are in their taste in cuisine, and it’s all 100 percent normal as long as everyone is a consenting adult. The reason more people aren’t hip to BDSM is quite simple: sexual shame. Our sex negative culture is very afraid of anyone who chooses to live sexually out loud, copulating outside the lines of “normal sex.”
What Is EFT Therapy? 6 Things You Should Know
Emotionally Focused Therapy is a type of therapy that focuses on the connection between emotions and needs in humans. It helps couples reframe their language and delve into the deep emotions they’ve been suppressing in order to reframe thinking and better understand each other with empathy. I find this modality super interesting and am learning as much as I can about it for my own work.
ARTICLE BY: BetterHelp
A Complete Guide to Period Sex
For Swell, I took a deep dive (yeah, I said it) into period sex. Everyone has their preferences, sure, but honestly, if they won’t fuck you good on your period, you shouldn’t fuck them at all. The grammar is on purpose here, relax. One of the best things about period sex is that it can help alleviate some of the more irritating symptoms that come along with having your period. For instance, having period sex can seriously help with menstrual cramps and period-induced headaches. When we orgasm, our bodies release oxytocin, a natural pain-reliever. Why take an ibuprofen if you can have an orgasm instead? Amiright or what?
How Your Attachment Style Can Shape Your Entire Sex Life
I’m obsessed with attachment theory. It’s one of my favorite tools in working with clients. Basically, attachment theory says that the bonds we create with our caregivers as children impact the way we form relationships as adults. This makes sense. But, did you know that our attachment styles can impact the way you develop as a sexual beings, too? This may show up as “withdrawing from intimacy, go along with their partner's advances without strong desire to do so, or using sex to keep a partner interested.”
Your attachment style is not the only predictor of your sexual blueprint, but it is a factor in development.
ARTICLE BY: ABC Everyday
Yes, You Can Be Bisexual and Pansexual At The Same Time
For Men’s Health, I explored the labels we use (or don’t use) to identify ourselves. Pansexual and bisexual seem to really confuse people. As our ideas about gender and sexuality continue to change, a label that means one thing to one person might mean something totally different to another. This is one of the puzzling, albeit beautiful things about gender and sexuality: You get to be whatever you want to be and no one is allowed to dictate what your label(s) mean.
~Watch this bit~
Garbor Mate is a renowned medical doctor and attachment theorist. He takes special interest in early childhood trauma and the lifelong impacts it has on physical and mental health. Here, he discusses the conflict children (and, subsequently, adults) often face in staying true to their authentic selves while maintaining their important social relationships. We all strive for authenticity, it is inherent in us, but when our relationships are in jeopardy, we disregard authenticity in favor of relationships to others. We blend.
People don’t love a real ass b - so how do we deal with this?
I started school! Here’s my obligatory first day of school pic:
~Ask Gigi~
What Is The Asexuality Spectrum?
The asexuality spectrum is defined a little differently by everyone, but the clinical understanding is that those who experience lower or no sexual desire fall on a sexual spectrum, just as people with high or medium levels of sexual desire.
On this spectrum, Some people experience no sexual attraction, others experience a little sexual attraction, and others experience a lot of sexual attraction. Most of the time, those on this spectrum who do experience some, usually very little sexual attraction with low intensity, prefer the term "greysexual."
That’s it for me this week, babes. Remember to keep your standards high and your vibrators charged. I love you.
Remember to share The G-Spot, if it was good for you, too!
Thank you for highlighting and bringing this up. I think in general men have not done a good job rising to the call and challenging the more aggressive and manipulative side of the male sex-positive spectrum that sometimes masquerades as true sex-positive egagement