G-Hot Q&A: What's it like to be in a polyamorous triad?
Wrier Abigail Moss is here to dish on her life in a triad.
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Hey babe,
We have a special treat on this month’s G-Hot Q&A! None other than my friend, Abigail Moss. Abigail is a fiction writer and journalist based in London. Her work in journalism focuses on sexuality and relationships. She currently lives in a bitchin’ (my word) townhouse with her two partners in a polyamorous thrupple. And that is what we’re going to be hearing about today.
Abigail answered some of my burning questions about her journey into becoming polyamorous in her experience — and how her relationship dynamics have shifted and changed over time.
ENJOY!
Q: Tell the G-babes a bit about yourself and how you got into a thrupple? (The story is, in my opinion, v cute).
A: So, my partner Paul and I had been together for about eight years when we decided to open up our relationship to threesomes. We definitely weren't expecting that anything serious would develop with another person. But when we met Andrea (at a bar in Stoke Newington that ended up getting inundated with French Bulldogs which Andea and I both freaked out over) there was more of a spark than on any other dates we'd been on. This was March 2020. Yep. When lockdown happened obviously we couldn't see Andrea, but we'd watch Ru Paul's Drag Race together over Zoom and other dorky stuff like that. When lockdown eased up we went on dates again and it was immediately so easy.
Anyway, that was almost four years ago and now we live together, our families know about each other (we've been VERY lucky that they've been super supportive) and we have two cats.
Q: What made you want to move into polyamory?
A: I wouldn't say I ever actively thought to myself 'hey, polyamory sounds good' - it was much more organic than that. And (for the moment at least) ours is a specific kind of polyamory where we're monogamous as a throuple. Maybe this will change in the future, but maintaining a serious long term relationship with more than one person is kinda a lot. And I'm an introvert at heart - I need a lot of alone time to recharge, so personally, having more than two partners isn't something I think I'd have the emotional capacity for, or particularly enjoy. So while I'm technically polyamorous, I don't especially identify in that way.
Q: What is the biggest mistake you think people make about it?
A: Doing it for someone else, or if you're already in a relationship, out of fear of losing that partner if you say no. Polyamory, whatever form that takes, teaches you a lot about yourself and you have to be up for taking that journey. It's not a quick fix for a failing relationship or an easy option to fix your problems.
Q: What is the biggest lesson you've learned being in a thrupple with your boyfriend and girlfriend?
A: I've learned a lot about my own reactions to things and where those reactions come from, how they've been based on previous experiences. For example - in the early days of our relationship, I got weirdly jealous at Andrea and Paul working out together. This felt really weird to me, since other things hadn't made me feel jealous at all. I thought about this and realised it all linked back to my experiences at school - I was a dorky kid, bad at sports, PE teachers made fun of me. I felt jealous because subliminally I was worried that Andrea was 'better' than me somehow for being sporty - just like how I'd felt as an awkward teen.
Obviously this was ridiculous - neither of my partners love me because I can catch a ball or run fast. It was just an old insecurity, bubbling up, even though it was completely unrelated to the reality of the situation. I think that's often the case with insecurities, particularly jealousy, and learning that was really transformative.
Q: What do you love most about being in a thrupple?
A: I mean, finding one person you love is amazing - so finding two makes me feel incredibly lucky. Aside from that, you always have a partner in crime - someone to share an experience with, tell a piece of gossip to, ask an opinion of. I think often people can get frustrated if their partner can't share in something with them, or engage in something the way they want them to (for example, a partner might know diddly squat about decorating, and so have no strong opinion on what colour you should paint the living room).
When you have two partners, oftentimes those people offer different things. Andrea loves horror movies, Paul hates them. Paul and I love a local steak restaurant, Andrea doesn't eat meat.
Two partners means an extra person to share the things in your life with, but it also gives everyone space to be different and be themselves.
Q: If people are interested in moving into a polyamorous lifestyle, what is some advice you'd give them?
A: Think carefully first about why YOU want to do this. What do you want out of it, why does it interest you? But if you're in a relationship, consider your partner, too and encourage them to do the same thinking about their own reasons.
And if they decide they're not into it - sorry, it's not happening. It's that simple. And think about what that might mean too. Often you don't know how you'll really feel in a polyamorous situation until you're in it (and that's ok, nobody is perfect) but try to run through some situations in your head and think about what they might mean to you, and how you might feel. And if you try it out and decide it's not for you after all, that's fine too.
This week’s mantras:
I deserve a relationship in the way that works for me.
Jealousy is a normal human emotion that deserves to be explored so it can be resolved.
I can be whoever I want to be.
I will love myself.
I love you. Have a great week!
XOXO Auntie Gigi
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~Good ReadsSsSssSsSs~
Did you know that you absolutely CAN get STIs through oral sex? It’s true. A lot of people think oral sex is the “safe” way to avoid contracting STIs, but that isn’t the case. In this piece, writer Beth Ashley explores oral chlamydia and everything you need to know about it. Oral chlamydia ‘is a bacterial infection, which can be transmitted through vaginal, anal, and oral sex generally. This means that chlamydia, while mostly considered a vaginal or anal infection, can also appear in and around the mouth.’ Learn everything you need to know about this STI and how to avoid it. Read more. - MASHABLE
The latest Sex At 26 column from sex & relationships editor, Kayla Kibbe, is a true doozy. While Kayla has spent most of her adult life as a sugar baby sleeping with married men, lately she’s been wondering if she’s poisoning her own well.
‘I wouldn’t take it all back if I could, but I would maybe donate it to Goodwill or try to sell it on Poshmark, like a skintight dress that made me feel sexy and powerful getting drunk off someone else’s bottle service at 21. It served its purpose for a time, but I’m not sure it has much left to offer me. I’m not even sure it fits me anymore.’
This column absolutely gives me life. Read more. - COSMO
I wrote an ode to my favorite sex position of all: Missionary. What can I say? It’s really the OG for lazy bitches. Read more. - POPSUGAR
That’s it for me this week, pals. I love you. Remember that compulsory monogamy is a social construct — and there is no better or worse relationship structure. It’s about finding what works for you and embracing that journey.
