G-Hot Q&A: How does ADHD affect s-x?
S-x expert and writer, Colleen Godin, answers your burning questions on ADHD on this week's G-Spot.
Hey babe,
We’re experimenting with formats over here and I thought it would be really fun to introduce some free-flowing, sexy Q&As to The G-Spot. This will be a monthly installment wherein I ask various experts in various areas of the sexuality space to share their experiences with my gorgeous G-Spot readers.
Without further adieu, I bring you the inaugural Red Hot Q&A with Colleen Godin. Colleen has worked in the pleasure products industry since her first job in adult retail in 2007. She eventually worked her way up to a full-time career with major pleasure brands like JimmyJane and Sportsheets. Since 2016, she has worked as an independent copy writer, marketer, and trade events specialist for sex toy brands, sex educators, and pleasure industry media companies around the world.
And today she’s going to tell us all about her experiences with ADHD and sex. Let’s hit it, babyyyy.
Q: What has been your journey in exploring sexuality as a professional in this field? Why is what you do so important to you?
A: As a freelance writer specializing in sex, relationships, and pleasure products, I realize that the sex-ed space is still lacking in quality content on the more serious issues. A lot of the advice I see that's directed towards folks with mental health issues seems like it was written by someone without a clue about what it's like to actually struggle with sex and mental health. The advice given is often too simple and basic to be helpful, like 'just exercise more' or 'try to eat healthier.'
We need more people in the sexual wellness field who are shining new light on mental diagnosis like ADHD, borderline personality disorder, and bi-polar disorder.
Q: What is ADHD exactly? How is it different from other kinds of neurodiverse experiences?
A: ADHD stands for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, and like many other mental health conditions, it doesn't always live up to its name. The disorder is thought to effect dopamine production in the brain, leaving those with ADHD always yearning for something new, exciting, and fun to reward their brains with a boost of the feel-good neurotransmitter.
However, other medical professionals disagree and say ADHD has nothing to do with a lack of dopamine at all. It's unfortunately one of those conditions that needs a lot more research to fully understand, especially in female patients.
Folks with ADHD often have trouble making or maintaining friendships. Some ADHD folks say they come across as awkward, unintelligent, or annoying in social situations. However, their niche interests and unique personalities can also easily attract new friends when they're given a chance to be themselves without having to 'mask' the ways that they're different from others.
ADHD individuals also generally struggle to keep up with daily tasks like doing dishes, laundry, or making dinner.
They may also have trouble remembering small things that might seem obvious or like common sense to someone else, but then by contrast, recall an encyclopedia's worth of information on a seemingly random subject that they find interesting.
In short, one person's ADHD experience may be completely and utterly different from that of another, even leading many with ADHD to wonder if they have the disorder at all because their symptoms don't line up with what's most commonly known or experienced.
Q: How does ADHD impact sex?
A: You've got the more commonly known symptoms of ADHD and sex. Some folks are [very sexual]. They're excited to try just about anything once. They might take an interest in poly-type or open relationships since the prospect of new partners is very desirable. By contrast, they could also prefer monogamy, but have a high sex drive that seemingly never wanes, even in a long-term relationship. Some people who fall into this category are really into BDSM, as it allows them to hyper-focus on the scene while exploring sensations and situations that drive their brain's need for novelty.
At the complete opposite end, you've got the folks who may range from feeling fully hyposexual and hardly ever desiring sex to those who those who might be into it, but are satisfied with just a few times per week or month.
Another less commonly known aspect of ADHD is being hypersensitive to physical stimulation. On one end, you've got the ADHD folks who love being spanked and tied up, and then there's the rest of us who, no matter how hard we try, can't get into the even tiniest bit of anal play or light nipple pinching.
We feel so much shame for being “boring” in bed, and our partners can take it personally because we're often the first person they've encountered who is so bothered by stimulation that's still within the vanilla sex category. And it's true – said partner's aren't really asking for too much or for anything wildly kinky or unreasonable.
Q: What has been your personal experience of sex as someone who has ADHD?
When I was younger, I never understood the stereotyped kind of women, usually around my mother's age, that were deemed 'prudish' or 'frigid.' I took these personality traits and their negative connotations to be chosen out of rigid religious reliefs or an overall sex-negative attitude. I thought, “How can you NOT like and promote lots of sex? What is wrong with you? Stop being such an old lady and get with the modern times!”
Then, as I grew into the sex-positive writer I am today, I realized how immature and even damaging those types of opinions can be to folks who struggle with sexual desire due to mental health issues. The extremes of being obsessed with having sex or solo orgasms versus wishing you never had to have sex again can sometimes be attributed to mental health disorders. I'm not saying that a lack of desire due to religious upbringing or a sex-negative parent are acceptable reasons to shame someone, but they are completely different from and will likely require their own style of remedy when compared with drops in desire due to health disorders.
That said, I now understand the nuances of sex drive when filtered through the lens of mental struggles. ADHD will change as you age, and even if you were once the sexual wild child as an ADHD teen and young adult, you might evolve into the stereotyped and 'frigid, prudish' sexual adult with low desire. Sex that once felt exciting might later feel like work, even if the process has potential to be pleasurable. Like the rest of our fleeting ADHD obsessions, sex might not feel like a reward, even if we can climax, but rather a process that we need the energy and desire to initiate. Unless we fall under the category of the ADHD folks who are night owls with seemingly endless energy, unable to sleep due to racing thoughts and night-time creativity, we might be at the opposite end of the spectrum.
We might be absolutely burned out from the day, even if we didn't overexert ourselves, or maybe we're too anxious or stressed about tomorrow to be able to get into the mood. We might also just prefer scrolling through our Instagram feed to shut our brains off before bed, rather than engage with a partner in a way that requires initiative and creativity.
Because ADHD has so many possible ways it can affect one's sex life, it's hard to pin down a concrete set of steps to take to make partnered sex work for all involved – unless you're lucky enough to have a partner's who's sex drive and turn-ons perfectly match your own.
Q: Is there anything else you want readers to take away from this?
A: As a woman with ADHD, I felt that when reading articles geared towards men with ADHD, almost none of it made sense or applied to me. It wasn't until I started interacting with others with ADHD and reading personal accounts of other folks with ADHD online, especially other women, that I realized my symptoms were simply not portrayed enough. They existed in many folks with ADHD, despite the fact that few articles explained or validated these lesser known symptoms.
It's perfectly fine to read an article about a mental health disorder and find that the symptoms highlighted don't apply to you, but when peers, family and friends, or even medical professionals claim one person's experience of ADHD isn't valid because it's not the same as their own, it's just as gaslighting as someone without a mental health issue calling folks with ADHD things like "lazy" or "just not trying hard enough."
I can't even tell you how many times I've had people I know or strangers online tell me that my description of my ADHD symptoms is “ridiculous” or otherwise untrue or incorrect because it doesn't line up with their own diagnostic criteria, whether or not they have ADHD. You can have dissimilar symptoms, or no mental health issues at all, without using your views to invalidate other folks with mental health disorders.
Want to see more Q&As on the G-Spot? Leave a comment to let me know!
I love you. Have a great week!
XOXO Auntie Gigi
What is the link between sex and telling our secrets? I mad a video about it!
That’s it for me this week, pals. I love you. What makes us different it what makes us human. So why would we want to force ourselves into boxes?
