We really need to stop normalizing "bad s-x" for women.
A lack of education and fundamental misunderstanding of how desire works has left many, many women (and men) in miserable s-xual relationships.
Hey babe,
A story came up in my Google alerts email (I have a tag for sex news) that got my attention last week and not in a good way. It didn’t fire me up or make me angry. It didn’t send me into any kind of rage. It made me sad. So, so incredibly sad. The story “10 Women Tell Us (Honestly) How Important Sex Is in Their Relationships” highlighted real stories from women. It showed up on my alerts so this is clearly trending - which is … giving me a lot of mixed feelings.
This first story immediately had my eyebrows raised and my brain going “Oh, oh no. That’s horrifying.”
Bethany, 31
The importance of sex has changed dramatically over the 13 years I’ve been with my now fiancé. In the beginning we had sex every time we saw each other, and then about every other day when we started living together in year five of our relationship. Now we have two children and I’m just not interested in sex at all, partly because I’m a lot less attracted to my partner after all these years together, but mainly because I have begun to resent him. This resentment has led me to using sex as somewhat of a bargaining chip and a way to hold power over him in the only way I know how. It’s not that we have a bad relationship per se but despite my warnings that he needs to step up I don’t get any support in parenting our children or in maintaining the home.
Using sex as a means of getting what I want doesn’t feel good, but when I withhold it from him and use it as a reward for helping me, I at least get the assistance I need. If I had it my way I just wouldn’t have sex at all, but the system I now have means I’m often eking it out to every three weeks. I know it can’t carry on this way, but there is going to have to be some major changes on his part before sex becomes important to me in the way that it once was.
And there are a few empowering, really great stories in there. But most of them are sad - they often speak with authority (see the one about the Christian woman and her boyfriend who decided sex was an addiction). This authority raised a lot of flags for me. It feels like normalization. Like they’re sure their path is correct and that this is just the way it is. Bethany’s story, for example, reeks of resigned sadness - like this is the way it happens in all marriages and oh well.
But this isn’t “oh well.” This is depressing as hell. And it highlights a fundamental lack of education and understanding around how desire, sexuality, and pleasure work inside of relationships.
I don’t mean to be hyper-critical of Stylist. I don’t think they meant any harm with this piece, but it does normalize this “Oh, too bad sex is only for men and women just don’t enjoy it that much” attitude. Like I mentioned, there are some good ones - which I appreciate - but most of these women need a good sex therapist, not a place to publicly vent their “normal” issues.
Healthy sex is not a bargaining tool. Healthy sex is not withheld for chores. No sex is addictive because that’s just not even backed by science.
In another story: “And since I had a surgery that’s allowed me to experience sex without much if any discomfort, we’re now able to be intimate more frequently and it’s only enhanced our relationship.” I’m really happy intercourse isn’t painful anymore, but clearly this woman does not understand that intercourse is not how the VAST majority of women and clit-owners have orgasms.
A lack of education and fundamental misunderstanding of how desire works has left many, many women (and men) in miserable sexual relationships. It leads to sexual draughts, cheating, resentment.
Look, I’m not saying sex is the most important thing in relationships, but it IS important. Intimacy is important. Female pleasure is important. Understanding that desire is not a drive, but born out of a reward system is important. The more GOOD sex you have, the more you want it.
What could that mean? It means a focus on female pleasure. It means understanding the clitoris. And it means giving people good, comprehensive sex education so that they don’t end up like half of the women in this editorial piece: Lamenting their sex lives and resigned to simply carry on.
Instead of a “Good Reads” roundup, you’ll find resources for all of this below. Please educate yourselves. Advocate for pleasure for one and all.
Let’s reframe how we understand sexuality in relationships so we can all have joyful, wonderful sex lives that don’t focus on penises and other patriarchal bullshit that’s been poured down our throats since day one.
This week’s mantras:
Knowledge is power.
I will not settle for less than I deserve.
Pleasure is my right.
I will love myself.
I love you. Have a great week.
XOXO Auntie G
~What to read for better sex~
1. 6 Lessons About Sex I Wish I Could Give My Younger Self
2. What Is Sexual Currency?
3. Facts About The Clitoris That Will Revolutionize Your Orgasm
4. Most Women Experience Painful Sex, Here’s How Sex Toys Can Help
5. How to Understand Your Sexual Accelerators and Brakes For More Sexual Desire
6. A Modern Guide to Foreplay
7. How Comprehensive Sex Education Could Curb Trauma Around Sex
~Ask Gigi~
Ask Gigi: All Of Your Masturbation Questions, Answered.
The idea that masturbation could be wrong or bad in this, the year of our Lord 2021, sits with me like this sour feeling one can’t be rid of. It lives everywhere. Masturbation is considered this “less-than” act. It ranks at the bottom of the barrel of sexual acts. It’s a “last resort” or something people (men especially, for women are never afforded this outlook) need to do in order to “get by” and keep their libidos in check. And this is, to put it scientifically, utter bullshit.
That’s it for me this week, pals. I love you.
Remember that everyone deserves pleasure, sex is not all about penises (and does not even need to involve them), and you are a gorgeous, special human who deserves love and happiness in any way you choose. Kisses, love, orgasms, and light, my baby unicorn.
