G-Hot Q&A: Why is there so much stigma around bisexual men?
Zachary Zane ("The Boyslut") tells all about his journey as a bisexual guy.
Hey babe,
Bi male sexuality is having a bit of a moment right now. It’s suddenly “in fashion” to be bisexual as a guy. At least, in some circles. With that being said, there is still so much stigma around male bisexual humans and honestly, it’s tired.
Today, we’re going to dig in deep. I spoke to Zachary Zane, a Brooklyn-based columnist, sex expert, and activist whose work focuses on sexuality, culture, and the LGBTQ community. Zach is also the author of Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto and a very good friend of mine.
He’s fabulous and I think you’re going to LOVE this Q&A. Enjoy!
Q: What do you think people really get wrong about male bisexuality?
A: There are more obvious things that people speak out about: That it’s not “real” or every bi guy is using it as a stepping stone before coming out as “full-blown gay.” That bisexual men simply can’t make up their minds, or they’re spreading STIs like they’re going out of style. That we can’t ever be satisfied with one person and will inevitably cheat on you with someone of a different gender or the opposite sex.
But I think there’s even more than that: I think bisexuality, man, woman, or nonbinary, can be fluid and really change over time. For example, I’ve spoken to men who have never had sex with women, had zero desire, and happily identified as gay for two decades. Now they find themselves interested in dating and having sex with women. Where did this attraction and desire come from? Who knows!
Q: Why do you think it's so hard for society to accept male bisexuality?
A: There are many reasons, but I will hit on what I think are the biggest.
Blatant homophobia. People still find homosexuality repulsive, deviant, and unnatural. So straight people don’t accept bi men because of their same-sex sexual behaviors.
People are insecure! Women, in particular, can’t shake the fear that a bi man will leave them for another guy. They feel like they’re not good enough. They feel like everyone is a threat. This insecurity impedes them from dating, loving, or simply accepting bi men.
Feminine bisexual men not being perceived as “real men.” Many people do not like or feel comfortable around men who embrace their femininity, and many bi men do just that! In this regard, I think there’s internalized sexism and femme-phobia that impede feminine bi men from gaining acceptance.
Q: If feels like being bisexual has gotten better for men - has even become a turn on for some people. Do you agree?
A: It has, and it’s fucking amazing! A decade ago, when I came out as bi, no women would date me. Now women want to date and (have sex with me) specifically because I’m bisexual. You know how straight men find lesbian porn hot? We’re now seeing more straight and queer women who find it hot when a guy fucks another guy. I’m very much here for this!
There are also positive stereotypes about bi men associated with this desire: Openly bisexual men are perceived as being more open, less rigid in gender roles, more generous lovers, and more in tune with their emotions. There’s actually a fabulous, well-researched book about all this by Dr. Maria Pallotta-Chiarolli called Women in Relationship with Bisexual Men: Bi Men By Women.
Q: Do you think biphobia for cis-guys has gotten better over the years - if so, how?
A: I think visibility has undoubtedly helped, but we still have a long way to go. Some places are better for cisgender, bi men, like Brooklyn (where I live)— but my experience vastly differs from a bi man living in rural Alabama.
Q: What can allies do to support our bi guys?
A: Believe us when we say we’re bisexual! And remember, just because you knew two guys who used bi as a stepping stone to being gay doesn’t mean male bisexuality isn’t real. Also, when you hear people say biphobic comments or invalidate male bisexuality, please inform them why they’re incorrect. Call them out!
Also, it would be great to be included—really included—when we discuss LGBTQ rights. Often the B is forgotten, or our experiences are invalidated because we’re dating/married to someone of the opposite sex or different gender and are perceived as being “straight.”
Q: Anything else you think G-Spot readers should know about male bisexuality?
A: I write a lot—A LOT—about male bisexuality in my book, Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto. To my knowledge, it is the first mainstream memoir written by an openly bisexual man that really delves into the unique experiences, struggles, and JOYS of being a bisexual man. It’s available for pre-order everywhere books are sold online! So please order 15 copies and give them to anyone you’ve ever met.
Keep with Zach
He is the author of Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto, available for pre-order now. He’s also the co-author of Men’s Health: Best. Sex. Ever. He writes Sexplain It, the sex and relationship advice column for Men’s Health. He is also the founder and editor-in-chief of Boyslut Zine, which publishes real sex stories from kinksters worldwide. His work on sexuality and relationships has been published in the New York Times, Rolling Stone, The Washington Post, GQ, OUT, and many others.
I love you. Have a great week!
XOXO Auntie Gigi
New video on the Internet Sex Therapy channel!
~Good ReadsSsSssSsSs~
This week on TheBody, I explored the link between HIV infections and cold sores. They have more of an impact on one another than you might think. Read more. - TheBody
I spoke to The Independent all about the sexual wellness industry - and the cult of One Taste. If you haven’t seen the One Taste Netflix documentary, you absolutely should. That shit is WILD and very scary. Read more. - The Independent
If you’ve ever wanted to try BDSM but aren’t super into pain - well, that’s totally OK. There are plenty of ways to try BDSM in a way that incorporates sensory play - without any pain. And it’s super easy to do and doesn’t take a lot of expensive gear. I’m really here for Forbes hopping on the kink bandwagon and actually covering it because, hell, kink is very fun and rewarding. Read more. - FORBES
That’s it for me this week, pals. I love you. Stigma is the pits and we shouldn’t be chill with it.
