We need to talk about abusers stealing the language of k!nk to justify abuse.
Because I am not having it and neither is my community.
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Hey babe,
We need to talk about the truly sobering piece on Neil Gaiman and his alleged abuse allegations. I’m not going to get too in the weeds on this one, but I did want to offer some thoughts.
I’m so f*cking sick of abusers taking our language — the language of kink — and using it to camouflage abuse. Kink is not abuse. And calling yourself a “Dom” and forcing someone or coercing someone into doing things they don’t want to do isn’t kink. It’s abuse.
Someone on Twitter had the gall to say the kink community isn’t speaking out on this or that we’re all being quiet about it. We’re not. We were taking our time to think through what we wanted to say. Because we are thoughtful, thorough, and take our words very seriously.
Kink is not abuse. Abuse is abuse.
Kink is often used as a scapegoat for abuse because kink itself is so stigmatized. We lack good education around kink which can lead to people with bad intentions using the language of kink to disguise really problematic — and even incredibly abusive — behavior.
Let’s not get it twisted, babes: At the very core of ethical kink is consent — and when I say consent we don’t just mean “yes or no.” We do not mean anything other than a “no” is a maybe or a yes. F*ck no.
We mean informed consent. You CANNOT consent to play if you do not know what it is, what it is for, who it serves, and how to do it.
Within the context of consent in ethical kink, it means that all parties involved are fully aware of boundaries, expectations, and limits. And that they understand the nuanced meanings of those terms within the context of their agreed upon scene.
It means that both people are fully aware of what is going on.
And, crucially, that they feel absolutely certain they could stop the play at any time without the fear of repercussions. This point is particularly salient in light of the allegations against Gaiman because often abusers will use the power they hold in the relationship to coerce consent. The person who “consenting” believes they have no choice. They may believe they are going to lose their job, their reputation etc. Leveraging your place of power in order to exact control over someone is not consent. And it certainly isn’t kink.
In kink, lengthy and sound negotiation always takes place as a foreground of play. It is not about the Dom taking power over the sub in the sense that the sub has no power. Everyone within ethical power exchange has the same power in the dynamic. The Dom is given power willingly in the scene and the sub freely gives it with pleasure.
If a supposed Dom ever tells you they “don’t use safe words,” they are not a real Dom. They have no idea what they are doing and, at best, the experience will be shit and at worse, it could be dangerous and traumatizing.
A good Dom is someone who is highly attuned to their sub. They are keenly aware of their boundaries and limits and seek to offer an experience that will be pleasurable and fulfilling for their partner. They are not doing things or making the sub do things with the sole intention of fulfilling their desires. It is about a mutually agreed upon co created experience.
It’s time these absolute pieces of human garbage stop stealing our language and using kink as a way to cover up their heinous actions. We’re all tired of being further marginalized and stereotyped in this truly hideous way.
In other words: F*ck off. You’re not a Dom, you’re a piece of sh*t.
This week’s mantras:
Kink is not abuse. Abuse is not kink.
Stay in your lane.
I will love myself.
I love you. Have a great week!
XOXO Auntie Gigi
~Good ReadsSsSssSsSs~
I got an email asking me how to have nipple orgasms — which is interesting considering a quick google of that phrase — along with my name — would lead you to several in-depth articles I’ve written on the topic. It didn’t really feel necessary to send me an email about it, but that’s alright. In the interest of keeping you gorgeous folx informed, here is a blog I wrote on the topic. We all deserve more orgasms and more pleasure — and more information. Read more. — GIGI ENGLE
I really like this piece about dating in the modern age and how dating apps have gotten us into a kind of cycle of sharing really personal information with virtual strangers. It’s a strange kind of vulnerability some us fall into — when it may not be the right time? Let me know what you think. Read more. — MASHABLE
I helped write this guide to foreplay and, honestly, it’s a must-read for everyone. Read more. — MEN’S HEALTH
That’s it for me this week, pals. I love you. Don’t let anyone dim your sparkle.
