Ever heard of voyeurism?

If you’ve ever fantasized about watching people get it on, this one’s for you.

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Hey babe,

Does the idea of watching people have sex get you hot and bothered? Have you ever pictured yourself hidden away behind a curtain or sitting in a corner while your partner gets railed? Maybe your fantasy involves you hiding behind a door while strangers get naked and naughty?

You might just have a voyeurism kink.

And it’s more common than you might imagine. Eva Oh, a professional Dominatrix and host of the #TeaKink podcast, says that part of what makes watching others engage in sex so hot is rooted in the very fact that you’re on the outside looking in. It’s about “the joy of perceiving something that you find titillating that you haven’t necessarily created or are involved in,” she told me via email.

In media portrayals of voyeurism, we are often met with the “peeping Tom” – a person who is watching others, usually through their window, without their knowledge. This is, of course, creepy and illegal. We absolutely cannot discuss voyeurism without talking about consent. To engage with this kink ethically IRL, everyone involved needs to fully consent to the situation. Sure, you can create a scenario where the people you’re watching are pretending they don’t know you’re watching – but they need to know you're watching, nonetheless.

If this sounds a bit confusing, not to worry. We have all the information you need to know about voyeurism, what makes it so enticing, and how to actually try it out in a way that keeps everything and everyone safe and consensual.

Let’s dig in.

What exactly is voyeurism?

Voyeurism is when you enjoy watching other people. While this feels like a rather broad definition, Nicoletta Heidegger, MA, MEd, a licensed MFT, sex therapist, and host of the Sluts & Scholars podcast, says that “in the realm of sexuality, voyeurism involves watching others engage in erotic scenarios for pleasure.” So, in this context, it isn’t just “people watching” at the local dive bar, it’s about being turned on by watching people having sex or doing sexual things. Voyeurism can also involve watching people get naked in non-sexual situations, such as while changing their clothes, etc.

If this sounds like you, you might be a voyeur. This “is someone who experiences some type of sexual and/or emotional gratification from watching others engage in intimate moments,” Heidegger explains.

Voyeurism can take place both within the fantasy realm and in real life kink scenes. This is a bit of an ethical gray area, and not all experts will agree, but it is generally understood that when voyeurism exists as a fantasy entirely inside your head (ie: it does not involve real people in real situations) – it doesn’t violate the consent of others. What we do inside of our erotic minds is our own business.

It is very important to state again, because we cannot overemphasize its importance: For a voyeurism kink to be ethical in a real life situation, every single person involved in the scene needs to consent to the watching and being watched.

Why people so are hot for voyeurism.

What it boils down to is: Watching people have sex is exciting. Sex is still considered taboo and being able to watch it happen in front of you can be very arousing. Oh points to the appeal of the unknown. The fact that you aren’t in control of the sex happening in front of you can give you a kick when it comes to this kink.

Heidegger tells us that voyeurs may enjoy watching some activities or behaviors that they don’t want to do themselves. And others may simply be turned on by watching other people experience pleasure.

OK, we’re going there. Buckle up. While it feels pretty icky to say this, it would be inaccurate to leave out that many people find the idea of watching people without their knowledge to be central to the appeal. “People are into it because it appeals to power or the thrill of watching something they are not supposed to be watching,” explains Dr. Lee Phillips, Ed.D, a psychotherapist and certified sex and couples therapist. “The psychological appeal to the voyeur is that the person or people being watched do not know it.”

This isn’t true of every voyeur, but it is quite common.

The age old question: Is it normal to be into this?

Sexuality is complex and there is no “normal.” The human mind is capable of incredible abstract thinking and what turns you on is entirely subjective. There is nothing wrong with being turned on by voyeurism. We all have our personal desires and erotic triggers.

But, while it is normal to be turned on by voyeurism – that doesn’t make it OK to engage in voyeurism without the knowledge of the people involved. There is a difference between finding something sexy and choosing to force others to engage in it without consent. Like all things in sexuality, we have to hold space for nuance.

Heidegger points out that a voyeurism kink should not be confused with voyeuristic disorder – a paraphilia in the DSM that involves observing unsuspecting persons in intimate contexts. This is when people engage with voyeurism without consent. This is not OK and should never be tolerated.

How some people use voyeurism in their relationships.

It’s true! Voyeurism has a space within the context of relationships and people DO use it as a means of erotic excitement.

Engaging in voyeurism can be a really great way to learn what your partner likes. As Heiddeger explains, it’s an opportunity to observe your partner in a vulnerable or intimate moment and see them having pleasure. Consider mutual masturbation, for example, this has some voyeuristic appeal just in the fact that you’re watching your partner get themselves off.

When I asked Oh how people use voyeurism in the context of their relationships, she simply said: “Cuckolding, cuckolding, cuckolding.” This is when you get sexual gratification or arousal by watching someone have sex with your partner in front of you. We have a full explainer on cuckolding kinks, if you’re interested in learning more. Cuckolding can exist solely as part of the fantasy realm or can be done in IRL kink scenarios.

5 ways to try voyeurism with a partner in a safe and consensual way.

1. Figure out what it is you actually want – and get consent!

If you want to try voyeurism with a partner, “get curious about what interests you about it and check in with yourself and with your own level of confidence or shame around this particular desire,” Heiddeger says. Invite your partner into the conversation and see how they feel about it.

You also want to determine just how important this kink is for you. “Get curious how essential this desire is for you and get some support around what role you want it to play in your life and relationship,” Heiddeger adds.

2. Try some porn.

While watching porn, you are essentially being a voyeur. Sure, the people in the video have created the content for viewing pleasure, but they don’t know that you’re watching them at the exact moment that you’re watching them.

Plus, Philips points out that there is actual porn made for the purpose of fulfilling this fantasy. “There are plenty of scripted porn films on voyeurism that you and your partner can view together,” he says.

3. Roleplay the situation.

It’s totally OK to pretend the people engaging in sex don’t know they’re being watched, as long as they actually do know they’re being watched.

This can look like:

• A cuckolding role play.

• Watching your partner masturbate while you watch from a chair or through a keyhole

• Talking dirty about how you’re watching your partner during sex

• Your partner describes a time they had sex with someone else while you’re together.

Philips says that a video camera can be an inspired way to try this kink with a partner. “You may both agree to set up a camera in the bedroom. Pretending one of you does not know it is there, [and then] you both view the video together.”

4. Try a sex party.

Sex parties and kink/fetish-focused parties are a voyeurs paradise. At these parties, people are engaging with others erotically and sexually out in the open. You’re bound to get an eyeful just standing by the bar, nursing a drink.

But, even when people are openly having sex at a party, consent is still paramount. If you’re planning to rock up and watch a couple or group have sex, ask for consent. Standing over people at a sex party and leering at them is very likely to get you kicked out. It’s both gross and just plain, old bad manners.

5. Don’t forget to check in afterwards.

Aftercare is central to all play. This is when partners check-in and take time to tend to one another physically and emotionally after getting down and dirty.

Oh says that a post-play debrief is always absolutely necessary – especially when you’re engaging with a kink like voyeurism. We need to have space to reflect, connect, and talk through everything and anything that might have come up for us. This is a good opportunity to consider what you enjoyed, what you’d like more or less of, and figure out a game plan for your next play session – should you want to try it again.

Having non-vanilla interests is totally normal and engaging with sexuality in a fun and interesting way is part of what makes life exciting. As long as everyone involved in giving enthusiastic consent to what you’re trying, have at it.

This week’s mantras:

1. Kink is just a way that adults play and I’m allowed to engage with that aspect of myself.

2. Life is too short to have bad or boring sex.

3. I will love myself.

I love you. Have a great week!

XOXO Auntie Gigi

A version of this newsletter originally appeared on Men’s Health

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~Good ReadsSsSssSsSs~

• Temperature play can be a really fun and easy way to start incorporating more of your senses into erotic play. And it’s actually really easy to do. I gave all my very best tips to SELF to get you started on your ~warm and/or chilly~ adventure. Read more. — SELF

• Want to try pegging or strap on sex? I’ve got you covered. From what to buy to how to get started, this is what you need to know. Read more. — SELF

• Ever heard of an ownership kink? For the uninitiated, an ownership kink is when you are turned on by either ‘owning’ someone or being ‘owned’ by someone in the context of a Dom/sub relationship or scene. This can happen in an ongoing D/s dynamic or can be relegated entirely to a specific scene. Well, Kayla Kibbee over at Cosmo has an ownership kink and she came to me to ask where this might come from— and if it’s normal. You know I had a LOT to say. Read more. — COSMO

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Weekly LOL

It really do be like that.

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That’s it for me this week, pals. I love you.