How to find a third for your 3some without being a unicorn hunter.
No has the right to act like an entitled jerk.
Hey babe,
If you and your partner are interested in having a threesome, welcome to the club. Threesomes are a very fun way to experience new sexual horizons with a person you love and/or like and trust. They are an opportunity to sexually explore without the added anxiety of going at it alone or separately.
This is usually a first stop on the CNM (consensually non-monogamous) journey. But just because you and your partner are searching for a third person to have fun with (maybe once, maybe multiple times) and are committed to one another does not mean you can treat the third person with any less respect. This is called “unicorn hunting.”
This is because the unicorn is expected to mold themselves into the couple’s relationship, while the couple hasn’t planned for what could come up emotionally or otherwise. The couple places themselves (and their partnership) on a pedestal and thinks of the third person as more of a disposable object than a person.
This is not the way to have a good threesome. Let’s get into how to organize a successful, thriving, gorgeous threesome where everyone is treated with respect and dignity. Because dehumanizing people is not cute.
What on Earth Is a ‘Unicorn?’
A unicorn is a third person who comes into a threesome. This term usually refers to a cisgender female person or a bisexual person, but it applies to queer people and all relationships as well. They are the outside person entering into the couple’s domain to experience a triadic sexual experience.
Some people may adore the term ‘unicorn,’ and others may want to crawl out of their skin and light themselves on fire at the mere utterance of the word. It does not work for everyone.
Whether you love it or hate it, the important thing is that you treat someone like a human being deserving of sexual fulfillment and respect rather than as a sex doll who you can use and then toss out like garbage once you and/or your partner orgasm.
In the end, the word “unicorn” isn’t really the “base” issue, it’s how they are treated. And that brings us to the next point: the unicorn hunter.
What Is a ‘Unicorn Hunter?’
Unicorn hunters are couples who are searching for a third party to join them in bed and then GTFO.
Unicorn hunters are people who don’t really care about the third person they’re having sex with. They just want to use them for their own sexual gratification. They believe that they, as the primary couple, are the only thing that matters. It’s gross, and no one has the right to act like an entitled asshole.
Unicorn hunters get a bad rep for good reason. The behavior indicates a general lack of respect - ignoring boundaries, treating someone like an object instead of a human, and just basically being kind of a shithead.
Five Tips on How to Respectfully Find a Third for a Threesome
Now, because it’s very important to not be a unicorn hunter, we asked some bonafide unicorns/thirds for their expert tips on how to approach someone for a threesome in a respectful manner.
1. Get to the roots of your desire for a threesome
Figure out the reasons you want this threesome in the first place. If it’s for joy of sexual adventure, curiosity, and a true desire to open up, go for it. But do so with care. Take time to research, read books (like “Open,” for examples), and take a workshop or two.
There are a lot of resources out there and they can help you determine if this is something you actually want to pursue IRL. Often what we fantasize about is not the same IRL, and you have to be prepared for that.
2. Get clear about what you want
Many couples looking to find a third are heterosexual. And this can be a problem. Figure out what you want and don’t want before heading into this, because otherwise you’re going to find yourself in a sticky situation (and not in a good way).
3. Communicate and understand your boundaries, but be flexible
It’s OK to have boundaries. We all need those, right? But these should be flexible to a certain extent. It’s OK to have boundaries and desires, of course - but coming to a someone with a long-ass list of things they can and cannot do can make the experience hard to navigate - and sends a message that you care more about yourself then your third.
Remember that consent, checking in, and being mindful of each other should be a part of the experience at every single turn.
And some of this means being able to take feedback. It’s important to be clear and communicative about your boundaries, desires, and to master the art of hearing “no” with grace.
4. Be respectful
Having a threesome that is ethically sound involves everyone having an equal say in what happens (or doesn’t happen) during the threesome. Everyone’s pleasure should be of equal priority. You third is a guest and should be treated with respect and care.
5. Have a plan for aftercare
Aftercare is when all parties convene and calm down after an intense sexual experience. This will look different for everyone, but it’s important that everyone feels safe, happy, and secure once the sex has ended.
Want to be a real class act? Order your third an Uber home after playtime, and walk them to the car.
This week’s mantras:
Sexual adventure takes trust.
Respect is key to good sexual experiences. I deserve respect, always.
I will love myself.
I love you. Have a great week!
XOXO Auntie Gigi
Part of this newsletter originally appeared on TheBody.
We are we into taboo sex? I made a whole video on it for you.
~Good ReadsSsSssSsSs~
Does jealousy exist in non-monogamy. For sure. jealousy is usually a symptom of a need not being met or an insecurity in the relationship. It’s important to understand that jealousy doesn’t just go away because you’re polyamorous, and it doesn’t mean you aren’t ‘doing CNM right’ because you get jealous. You just have to be willing to confront it and be honest with your partners so they can help you get through it. Read more. - GQ
In this week’s Sexplain It, Zachary Zane answers a woman’s questions about why the guy she’s been dating for six month won’t call her his girlfriend. What do you think? Read more. - MEN’S HEALTH
I was obsessed with Q&A with the legendary Esther Perel and I think you will be, too. Read more. - MEN’S HEALTH
That’s it for me this week, pals. I love you. You deserve to explore all the wonderful sexual adventures you desire. Life is too short to skip on having a wonderful, fabulous time.
