Can flirting with someone else help your relationship?
Flirting can be a good way to boost New Relationship Energy, but it can also be a problem.
Hey babe,
Let’s chat about flirting because we need to. When I say flirting, I don’t mean with your partner. I mean with someone outside of your relationship. So, when is this OK to do? Well, it all comes down to communication and clear boundaries.
Then again, there can also be assumptions within relationships (especially monogamous relationships) where both people have assumed boundaries for the relationship - that aren’t always in-sync.
When flirting might be a good thing … and when it becomes a problem.
In an open and honest relationship (polyamorous, open, or monogamous), it can certainly spark NRE. Flirting with someone new can both feel good for you and your partner. It can boost self-esteem, make you feel alive, and give you a boost of dopamine. For a partner, seeing you flirt with someone might make them think, "Wow, my partner is so sexy and desirable."
But this is where it gets tricky: Flirting can also provoke negative feelings - and we need to have room for these, as well. When you’re in a long-term relationship with a person you love, it can be a strange thing when the pangs of jealousy suddenly surface. Seeing your partner flirt with someone else, check someone out on the street etc. is jarring and unnerving. Suddenly your quiet sense of comfort and smooth waters feel rocky and uncertain. These feelings should be addressed quickly and in private with your partner.
Jealousy is a normal human emotion, but it is usually a side-effect of something else - some unmet feeling within the self or relationship. It can surface when you perceive behavior that is occurring in the relationship that may feel threatening to the stability of the relationship. The only way to resolve it is to discuss it and work through the issue itself.
When flirting can become “cheating.”
Harmless flirting is usually not a big deal, especially if you're an outgoing person. Cheating falls into two camps (which can have crossover): Physical and/or emotional.
What counts as cheating will depend on your relationship and the boundaries you set with your partner. The thing is, assuming monogamy, heteronormativity, or what cheating is can lead to a lot of hurt feelings and a lot of confusion. The only way to really know what the boundaries are is to talk about them. Now, with that being said, I'd say that realistically most reasonable people would not consider a little light flirting at a party a problem.
Is it okay to think about the person you flirted with during sex?
This is actually OK if you were flirting with someone else in a fantasy for fantasy's sake. This is the realm of imagination. It's OK to fantasize about anything you want, even during sex. Fantasies are normal and everyone has them. Discussing these with your partner can be a great addition to foreplay, building a closer connection, and improving trust. Fantasies normally fall within two distinct groups: The mundane or the totally out-of-the-box, wild, and unusual. But no fantasy is weird. They are just a part of your imagination. Sure, not everyone is going to want to act every single thing you want to try, that just isn’t realistic. People are into different things.
Now, this assumes the flirting itself is either fantasy alone or with the consent of your partner. If you were flirting with someone else without having a discussion with your partner beforehand, it isn't the fantasy that's the problem, it's the behavior. Relationships and good sex rely on trust and safety. If you've broken the bounds of your relationship "contract" or are doing something you think your partner would find sketchy, it's time to think about your behavior and to find ways to communicate your needs.
Getting back to your partner, if you’re in a rut.
There is no way to say exactly when you should start thinking about the health of your sex life, but rather its important to always consider it within the context of your relationship. Trying to ‘wait out’ a rut and hope that your partner will suddenly feel desire again is not realistic and will only leave both of you feeling empty and disconnected. And flirting your way out of it can be a real issue if your relationship is on the outs.
The first thing to do is to figure out what it is you want and how you want sex to be a part of your relationship. The sexual relationship you have with yourself is the most important one of all. Spending time with just yourself - away from your partner - can help stoke the erotic flames. Maybe buy yourself a toy and spend some time reigniting that spark within yourself. After all, we’re all responsible for our own pleasure.
After all, we’re all responsible for our own pleasure.
After that, you can bring in a partner. With your partner, start playing again. By playing, I mean how can you have fun together again? Do something that gets the adrenaline pumping, play games together, flirt with and tease each other. Start touching again - holding hands, cuddling, massage, little squeezes during the day.
All in all, if you’re flirting with someone in a way that makes you say, “Wow, my partner would be so pissed if they found out about this” or “I don’t know if this OK or crossing a line,” then, it might be time to consider the boundaries of your relationship and have a conversation about what your relationship means to you, your partner, and both of you.
What do they think about boundaries within the relationship? What about you? What common ground can you find?
Communication is lubrication friends.
This week’s mantras:
Trust is the thing that makes all relationships thrive, no matter the style of relationship you practice.
I am worthy of open communication and to have my boundaries respected.
I will love myself.
I love you. Have a great week!
XOXO Auntie Gigi
LAST CHANCE TO VOTE FOR YOUR FAVORITE AUNTIE!
Don’t forget to vote in the PleaseMe Awards! Ya’ll have brought me SO FAR in this competition - so if you haven’t voted yet, I’d be so grateful <333
~Good ReadsSsSssSsSs~
A new study shows that the research we have on intimate relationships is severely lacking in representation - and is therefore pretty damn flawed. Why is this important? Well, because human behavior varies along with factors such as gender identity, age, nationality, ethnic background, religion, and sexual orientation. - Psychology Today
What is it that stops many people from wanting sexual intimacy? For some, they genuinely fear the idea of becoming close to someone else. They may WANT sex and consider themselves a sexual person, but when it comes down to it, their anxiety and fear makes them want to skip out and run. If this sounds like you, you’ll want to read this. - Maude
Can having a friends with benefits actually work? Well, yes. They can, actually. but only if open and honest communication is present between all parties involved. A new survey designed to take a look at these widely understudied relationships has yielded some fascinating results. And maybe they can help you navigate your own FWB situation. - Psychology Today
Why it’s actually never too early to start talking about sex with your kids. It is, after all, a normal part of being a human. - Rewire
That’s it for me this week, pals. I love you. Remember to stay sexy, drink a lot of water, and have a few orgasms this week (alone or with your partner). You deserve to experience pleasure and have as much as you desire, babe. Pleasure is one thing that never, ever runs out.
