G-Hot Q&A: How do you navigate being single in your 30s?
Cristina Vanko joins us to talk about dating apps - and the wild world of dating in your 30s.
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Hey babe,
I feel like we never really talk about dating in this newsletter. We’re always talking getting dicked down, but rarely do we chat about the stuff that (often, usually) comes before.
So, I decided to invite the woman, the myth the legend, Cristina Vanko to our monthly Q&A highlight so we could talk all things dating, apps, and ghosting.
Cristina Vanko is the founder of Arrow, an audio dating app where daters send asynchronous voice notes back and forth to get real conversation going. She also is a freelance art director & illustrator and author with Penguin Random House. You can also catch her substack, which talks all things love and relationships. It’s personally one of my favs.
Let’s do this!
Q: What has been the best part of dating in your 30s? Do you think dating has changed since you've gotten older?
A: Dating is significantly better in your 30s–mainly because you're more experienced (and I'm not just talking in that department!). By your 30s you've dated many different types of people that you have a better idea of your wants and needs in an ideal partner. You've also experienced the highs and lows with relationships and dating–which bring many lessons in growth (a silver lining!). Because of all of that, you're so much stronger and are able to spot the green and red flags much easier so you ultimately get what you deserve. BUT, the absolute best part about aging is there’s a certain air of confidence because you know yourself more and are better equipped to stick up for yourself!
Q: As a woman in the dating app economy, what do you think is the biggest challenge when it comes to dating?
A: As a straight woman, there's so much advice going on around there about "respecting the chase” and “embracing the feminine” aka letting a man do the courting and letting women sit back and wait around. F*ck that noise! It’s 2023, if you like someone, say something. You don't have to spill your heart out right away, but you could at the very least show interest and suggest a drink date. It's not emasculating! If anything it's cool af–and ask any guy, they think so too! You don’t have to follow traditional gender stereotypes to get something going...Plus, think of all the missed opportunities!
Q: In your opinion, what makes a dating app profile stick out from the pack?
A: It's ALL about personality. There are so many common tropes on dating apps—(think: fish pic, pineapple on pizza wars, and "just a Jim looking for a Pam." When you see a lot of it, you fade into the background because it's become very ordinary.
Anything that we can do to combat that and be different always stands out to spur intriguing conversation otherwise you’ll get stuck with the ordinary “hey, what’s up?” loop and get bored having the same conversations about your pizza preferences. Here are some simple tips: make sure your photos say something more than you’re cute, dive a little deeper into the prompts to expand on what you’re trying to answer to sound more unique, and when given the option–use voice notes to tell a better story. They swiped right, so show and tell more about who you really are.
Q: OK, so you've been ghosted by someone. Any tips on how to deal with this?
A: Remember that they're a coward! JK, but really though. Ghosting isn't cool and you don't want to be with someone that can't even communicate a simple "hey, I had fun but I'm not feeling it!" It's easy to spiral if there was a presumed connection, but the truth is they're communicating they're not your person because your person wouldn’t do that! It’s hard to remember when you’re stuck in the moment, but disappearing to get out of hard conversations is a shit move. You want to date a grown-ass person who respects you and your time.
Q: Do you have any dating tips for the G-babe readers?
A: Remember that first dates are first intros. We put so much pressure on that first date to be absolutely perfect, but realistically–t's probably not going to be! Strive to learn about the person enough to see if you want to hang out with them again vs making sure every box is checked. If there's a little intrigue, give them a chance. If they don't check all your boxes, give them a chance (if there's no glaring red flags!). If it takes 40–60 hours to form a good friendship, then it takes many moments to really decide if someone is dateable, so a one-two hour drink date is simply not enough. So spend more time with a date that you think could have potential, it'll reveal more as you get comfortable with each other.
This week’s mantras:
I deserve love that is secure.
I deserve to be a priority, not an option.
I will love myself.
I love you. Have a great week!
XOXO Auntie Gigi
~Good ReadsSsSssSsSs~
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A recent study showed that humor is actually not the most important thing when it comes to finding a romantic relationship. I have to agree. We put too much stock in believing that humour is the thing that people are on the lookout for when dating. I do think that a shared sense of humour, that shared value, can be really helpful. But what I think is more important for us to have is a sense of emotional connection and emotional safety. Some people might attribute a shared sense of humor to a shared sense of emotional connectedness. Read more. - HUFFPO
The idea that sex should always be spontaneous is actually quite dangerous for relationships. If we sit around waiting for desire to strike, it probably won’t. Sex can also become a power struggle in relationships, wherein withholding it can be a form of exerting autonomy — and if this is the case, it is time to see a therapist. This advice column centered on the topic of desire in LTR and I really enjoyed the feedback to the reader. Read more. - THE GUARDIAN
If you’ve ever used condoms, you should read this guide on using them safely. Including understanding when the condoms expire! A must. Read more. - MEN’S HEALTH
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That’s it for me this week, pals. I love you. Every day is a good day to have an orgasm.
Glad to contribute <3 Saying no to ghosts this Halloween!
Adored this q&a 💖