How to date during SHOT GURL Summer
It's been a long, dark, lonely year. Here's how to get your s-xual confidence back.
Hey babe,
The important thing to remember that is that we’re all weirdos and have no idea what we’re doing right now. Lockdown has thrown us ALL off kilter. So, if you feel awkward that’s normal and you’re not alone. We all feel like we’re being thrown into the social sea after months in a locked room. Acknowledge how odd all of this is, take a deep breath, and take baby steps.
Rebuilding your dating and sexual confidence may take some time when you’ve been out of practice for a minute. We need to stop pressuring ourselves to be the people we were in the Before Times and accept that this is a new world and a new phase of life.
Let’s talk about confidence. Confidence (or lack thereof) is going to affect your overall ability to experience pleasure. When you're anxious, your body tenses up. You wind up not being in the moment and not being present in your body. If you feel good about yourself and your body, you can enjoy everything that's happening to you without focusing on that one bit of stomach fat or how your thighs look from this angle.
Confidence is also important for how you walk away from an experience. If you feel badly about yourself, you're more likely to feel post-hookup shame. If you are confident in yourself, you have the ability to walk feeling empowered and strong. This is why building up a sense of self-worth is so important: it helps you decide how you're going to feel about something and gives you the strength to not bend to societal pressure that dictates female-raised people should be "good girls" and "not slutty."
Start by getting to know your body again, on a personal level. After all, your confidence comes from the inside out, from a happiness and contentment in your own skin. Masturbation is the bedrock of having a good sex life. You can't expect someone to magically know how to make you orgasm if you don't know how to make yourself orgasm. Asking for what you want in bed comes out of a literacy with one's own pleasure.
Sit in front of a mirror and look at yourself.
Seeing yourself helps you get more in-tuned with yourself and to get more comfortable with your body. A lot of people have never even looked at their own genitals (especially true for female-bodied folx) and can wind up feeling reduced sensation in their genitals as a result. Pleasure comes out of a brain/body connection, not just doing the "right" sex moves of giving the "right amount" of stimulation. If you hate your body or are afraid of it, you can't truly embrace yourself.
Once you move on to sex with humans again, start slowly. This is about taking your time so you can feel calm, pleasured, and content with your sexual choices. Pump yourself up! Remind yourself that it's OK to have these experiences. Tell yourself how hot you are and strong you are. Sometimes our internal dialogues have a huge impact on our mental states. Breathe deeply into your body and allow yourself to feel all sensations as much as possible.
Stay true to your boundaries and advocate for yourself if something doesn’t feel right.
Hand-sex is a good place to start when stimulating someone (or having them stimulate you) because it can feel less up-close-and-personal than oral sex. To give really good hand-sex, you have to communicate.
You might want to start by having your partner touch themselves the way they want you to touch them (and visa versa). This will give you a quick intro into exactly what they like. Every body is different and we need to talk about sex and practice in order to be good at it - hand-sex included!
Have fun out there, babes. And have a SHOT GIRL SUMMER!
This week’s mantras:
I will be gentle with myself.
I accept my weird-ass self.
I deserve all the pleasure in the world.
I love you. Have a great week!
XOXO Auntie G
~Good ReadsSsSssSsSs~
Why It’s OK to Question Your Sexuality Throughout Your Life
For The Body, I delved into one of my favorite subjects: The nature of sexual fluidity. Whether you are bisexual, pansexual, straight, gay, or anything else, you might not always feel comfortable with that label, even if it’s been a staple of your identity for years and years. Your sexual desires and behaviors may alter during different times in your life, depending on a host of bio-psycho-social factors.
Do You Actually Know Your Own Implicit and Explicit Sexual Boundaries? You Should.
For InsideHook, I explored the differences between our explicit and implicit boundaries and how they are a cornerstone of consent education. When it comes to sex, a willingness to overlook these needs has the potential to take on sinister implications. You are not obliged to say yes to anything you do not want to do. You do NOT have to kiss that person you’re not into. You do NOT have to engage in anal play just because someone wants you to give it a go. You do not have to do anything. And likewise, if someone is not down to do something you want to do, you have zero right to push the issue.
I Gave My Mom a Sex Toy And It Truly Changed Her Life
Yes, I did do this and wrote all about it for Swell to celebrate Mother’s Day. I first considered giving my mom a sex toy when I was doing some research on toys that would work for people with disabilities. She has severe arthritis and holding things is very difficult for her. I was sent a brief on the Minna Limon, a very small and squishy sex toy which vibration intensity increases the more you squeeze it. This felt like the perfect thing for my mom.
~Ask Gigi~
Ask Gigi: What is Polyamory?
It means being in a relationship with more than one person. Monogamy means "one" and "poly" means many. These are two relationships styles, but equally valid, that people choose to enter into in fully communicated, understood, and enthusiastic way.
That’s it for me this week, pals. I love you. May your week be filled with hydrating bevies (or champagne, I don’t judge) and lots of bliss. Sending you all the positive vibes - literally and figuratively.
