G-Hot Q&A: How purity culture impacts s8xuality.
Lucy Rowett takes on her journey from purity culture to seks coach superhero.
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Hey babe,
On this month’s G-Hot Q&A we’re covering all things purity culture. Joining us is my dear friend and brilliant colleague: Lucy Rowett. Trust me, we could not be in better hands.
Lucy Rowett, CSC CS ACS, is a certified sexologist and sex coach who is passionate about helping women and people with vulvas let go of sexual shame and hangups and embrace pleasure to create the passionate relationships they've always desired. She uses a combination of mind body tools with evidence-based sexuality education to create a fun and open space for womxn to explore their full erotic potential.
Her speciality is working with women and people with vulvas who come from Faith backgrounds who are struggling to let go of sexual shame and enjoy pleasurable and intimate relationships again.
She is a resident on UK contraception platform, The Lowdown, and she is regularly quoted in the media for her expertise in sexual health and wellness, pleasure, and sexual shame- including Men's Health, GQ, Kinkly, The O Diaries, The Sun, Insider, and Glamour.
Can you tell the G-babes about yourself and how you came to teach women how to unlearn messages from purity culture?
I'm Lucy, a sexologist and sex coach from the UK. My family is very religious, and I grew up in the 90s and 00s, where I was very influenced by Evangelical Christianity and purity culture teachings around sexuality.
It was during recovery from chronic illness that I had to embark on my own sexual healing journey, which was the fuel for then training as a sexologist and wanting to help other women and vulva havers impacted by purity culture too.
Q: What does purity culture mean to you, exactly?
A: To me purity culture isn't just a set of teachings about how sex is bad, it's literally a culture. Meaning it's not just from talks by your pastor, youth group leader, or vicar on a Sunday once a week, it's in everything. From the books you read, magazines, videos, podcasts, ranty pastors on TikTok while you're scrolling, YouTube influencers, the side eye from your friends when you admit you've had sex, the gossiping and eye rolling with your friends when you talk about who is having sex and who isn't, the talks from your parents, right down to how you dress and how you move your body.
It is never just one message or one event, it is a whole ecosystem and belief system that embeds deep inside you so that you learn to fear (consciously or unconsciously) your own sexuality and eros.Â
Q: Can purity culture messages reduce our ability to enjoy sex?
Purity culture messages can absolutely reduce our ability to enjoy sex-- not just from books that have been written on it, like "Sex, God, and the Conservative Church", by Dr. Tina Scherma Sellers, "Shameless", by Nadia Bolz Weber, and, "Pure", by Linda Kay Klein, but from my own work with women and vulva havers from purity culture too.
The effects of purity culture are similar to, if not full on PTSD for some people. Some of the ways include high anxiety around sex-- which can look like going into freeze during sex, dissociating and numbing out, intrusive thoughts, and obsessing about things like your body, orgasms, how you look, or more. It also can include feeling incredibly self conscious about your body, not being able to ask for what you want-- because you don't even know what you want in the first place, and can even go as far as a phobia of sex.
That said, it can come out in other ways too, but the overall feeling is one of deep shame and inhibition and you feel like something is really "wrong" with you sexually that you can't shake.
Q: How can we work to actively unlearn messages of purity culture for better sex?
A: The core things I believe are important are education-- first learning why what you learned was wrong, and getting accurate sexuality education. Then I believe in exploring your boundaries, how to say, "no", and learning to trust yourself. Then finding other people and hearing their stories too, because shame thrives in secrecy and isolation. Then it's finding a sex positive and affirming new community of folk who actively celebrate you and encourage you to explore your sexuality-- and just generally celebrate and support you.
Finally, I really believe in the potency of finding a new way of connecting with your spiritual self that is free of dogma (or you could call it soul/spirit/inner self/grounded self/deepest self- choose whatever resonates because you absolutely get to choose now!) in a new and celebratory way where your sexuality gets to be an essential part of it.Â
Q: Anything else you think readers should know?
A: Remember that purity culture teachings go deeper than sexuality too. You also need to learn how to trust yourself and your decisions, feel ok making mistakes, stop trying to be the Good Girl, stop trying to save everyone, stop performing to be good enough, let yourself have, "bad" thoughts and emotions... the list is endless. Don't be surprised if your first few steps feel wobbly as fuck and you feel like an awkward teenager again-- in many ways, this is a bit like a second adolescence because you're having to learn everything from scratch.Â
Remember that any kind of trauma healing/recovery is a slow and really messy process, and purity culture recovery is no exception. There is no rush to do this, the more you give yourself full permission to take the time and space you need, the safer you feel. You now get to be in choice about what you do with your body and who you share it with, isn't that incredible?
I see healing from purity culture as you coming back to you, and reclaiming your own boundaries, bodily autonomy, and pleasure as your birthright. Â
This week’s mantras:
Sex is not shameful. My sexuality is not shameful.
Pleasure is my birthright.
I will love myself.
I love you. Have a great week!
XOXO Auntie Gigi
Shop my favorite sex toys at SexToys.uk
That’s it for me this week, pals. I love you. You’re worth everything and more. You deserve to have pleasure without shame. You are wonderful.
