G-Hot Q&A: How do maintain seksual connection in longterm relationships?
Dr. Nazanin Moali is here to give you all the tips for hot seks in LTRs.
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Hey babe,
What a special treat I have for us today! The brilliant Dr. Nazanin Moali is here to spill the tea on maintaining connections in long-term relationships. I’m so excited to share this with you because it is the one of the biggest reasons that couples seek out therapy.
Dr. Nazanin Moali (she/her) is an internationally-recognized AASECT certified psychologist, educator, and podcaster. Her private practice is located in South Bay. She specializes in helping clients with eating disorders and sexual health challenges. She hosts a weekly podcast called Sexology, through which she he introduces the most intriguing findings in the psychology of sex and intimacy. She’s the BEST person to be talking about this subject today.
Let’s break it down!
Q: Why is it that couples find keeping their sex life hot and alive so difficult in long-term relationships?
A: The challenge arises from a lack of guidance on long-term relationship management. Media often paints relationships as constantly passionate, creating unrealistic expectations. Understanding that the intensity of passion naturally evolves over time is key.
Maintaining a fulfilling sex life in a long-term relationship requires adapting and adjusting your life and routines to support your sexual connection. For instance, if you crave spontaneous intimacy but have busy schedules and high-stress roles, relying solely on spur-of-the-moment encounters can be challenging. By scheduling and actively investing time and effort into your sex life, you can nurture the intimacy you seek.
Low desire can stem from various factors. Some individuals may veer away from activities that used to boost their self-esteem, like working out or grooming, once in a relationship. Unresolved issues beyond the bedroom can also affect desire. By addressing these issues and prioritizing your sexual bond, you can enhance desire and intimacy in long-term relationships.
In my work with couples in long-term relationships, I often come across desire differences as a significant challenge. One of the key reasons for this is the vulnerability that arises when revealing your erotic self to a long-term partner. Many individuals worry about being judged or rejected, causing them to hold back or feel uninspired during intimate moments. This lack of drive can worsen desire gaps and create obstacles to closeness. By addressing these concerns and finding ways to openly and non-judgmentally discuss desires, we can reignite passion and intimacy in long-term relationships.
Q: How can a couple who haven't really had super open and honest communication around sex in the past start down a path towards openness around this topic?
A: Setting out on a path toward sexual openness requires couples to take deliberate steps, particularly if effective communication has not been a focal point for them previously.. A great tactic is to carve out a dedicated space and time for candid discussions on the topic. Consider setting up a "sexy happy hour" – a relaxed time outside the bedroom where both partners can unwind. Spice it up by wearing something fun and alluring to create the right ambiance. Keep it short but sweet, lasting 10 to 30 minutes, focusing on sharing desires, fantasies, and any worries openly.
To initiate these discussions, couples can engage with sex game cards like No Longer Strangers or craft their own cards with intriguing questions. Each partner selects a question from the deck to spark conversations, delving into new topics and sharing desires in a playful manner. For couples more at ease, they can utilize this opportunity to watch an educational video together from platforms like Beducated or OMGYes, exploring interests and potential avenues for further exploration.
As individuals grow more at ease with these discussions, they can utilize the laid-back happy hour to reflect on recent intimate encounters. They can chat about what went well, what brought them joy, and what they might want to explore differently next time. It's key to remember that unless there's an urgent matter, these dialogues should occur outside of intimate moments to preserve the special connection.
Lastly, I recommend creating a shared sex bucket list. This can be a fun and adventurous way to explore each other's desires and fantasies. Sit down together and brainstorm a list of sexual activities or experiences you both would like to try.
Discuss each item on the list ahead of time, talking about whether you would want to engage in it, what you would need to make it happen, and any preferences you have. It's important to establish open communication and ensure that both partners feel comfortable and enthusiastic about the items on the list.
Q: What do you think people get wrong most often about sex in long-term relationships?
A: One common misconception about sex in long-term relationships is that if it's planned, there's something wrong with it. Many people believe that spontaneous sex is the ideal, and that planning sex somehow diminishes its value or spontaneity. However, in reality, planning can be a great way to ensure that both partners have the time and energy to fully engage in a sexual experience. It can also be a way to build anticipation and excitement leading up to the event.
Another misconception is the belief that if their partner truly loved them, they would instinctively know what they like sexually. This assumption can lead to unmet expectations and frustration. It's important to remember that our sexuality evolves over time, and what we enjoy or desire can change. It's essential to communicate clearly with your partner about your preferences and desires, and to give and receive feedback kindly and constructively.
These misconceptions can indeed hinder us from having the sex lives we want in long-term relationships. By recognizing and addressing these beliefs, couples can create a more fulfilling and satisfying sexual connection. The cornerstone of a healthy and satisfying sex life in a long-term relationship is knowing ourselves and what gives us pleasure, communicating openly and clearly with our partners, and making an effort to add variety, mystery, and novelty to our sexual experiences.
Q: Are there any exercises readers could try to get the fire going in their sex life again?
A: Establish Your Own Erotic Book Club: Initiate a book club focused on exploring sexuality with your partner. Delve into erotic literature together for a captivating and intimate experience. Select works that resonate with your desires, and alternate reading them aloud. Dive into authors like Rachel Kramer Bussel for tasteful erotica tailored to women and couples. Explore a plethora of free erotic stories on platforms such as Bellesa.co for a diverse range of sensual narratives.
Plan a “Sex Date”: Designate a special evening focused on intimacy and pleasure. Engage in playful interactions throughout the day via phone calls, texts, emails, and face-to-face moments. Share fantasies, desires, and plans for the night. Display enticing lingerie, murmur seductive phrases, or leave flirtatious notes. Heightening anticipation all day can amplify the thrill and eagerness for your night together.
Rekindle the Art of Dry Humping: Occasionally, removing sexual intercourse from the equation can reignite passion and excitement in your relationship. Recall those intense make-out sessions preceding any sexual encounters? Revive that fervor by skipping ‘ordinary’ sex for the night and instead focusing on kissing, caressing, rubbing, and grinding together—commonly referred to as dry humping. This practice can help you rediscover your partner's body in a fresh and stimulating manner, fostering anticipation and longing for future intimate moments.
Q: Anything else you think readers struggling with sex in LTRs should know? Any big takeaway messages you'd want them to have?
A: Seeking help from a sex coach or therapist is a proactive step towards enhancing your sexual connection. It's common to think sex therapy is only for struggling couples, but that's not true. It can help with various relationship issues like communication barriers, desire differences, or trying something new.
One big takeaway message is that seeking help early can prevent issues from escalating and becoming more challenging to resolve. A sex therapist can help you have difficult conversations with your partner in a way that is constructive and conducive to positive change. They can also provide you with tools and strategies to improve your communication, enhance intimacy, and reignite the passion in your relationship.
This week’s mantras:
I deserve pleasure.
Good sex is worth working for.
I will love myself.
I love you. Have a great week!
XOXO Auntie Gigi
Want to work with me?
I’m taking new clients! Book an appointment with me at The Therapy Yard <3
Note: I work exclusively with clients who are: queer, AFAB, women, femmes, AMAB clients within the LGBTQIA+ community, trans and non-binary.
Weekly LOL
A burner for sure.
That’s it for me this week, pals. I love you. You don’t have to be a sexual athlete to have good sex — you just have to enjoy the sex you’re having. That’s the key to long-lasting sexual connection.
