How to relax enough to have an O

Because stress and tension do not lead to org@$ms.

Jul 28, 2025

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Hey babe,

I don’t think it’s particularly controversial to say that orgasms are pretty f-ing amazing. Extreme pleasure simply by touching your own body? Um, yes please.

But, as lovely as orgasms are, when they choose to elude us, it can be extremely frustrating – and even heartbreaking. Let’s figure out what is going on here.

Believe it or not, having an orgasm is actually a pretty complex process. It isn’t as simple as rubbing the clitoris and waiting for something magical to happen. It isn’t like throwing a bag of popcorn in the microwave and waiting for it to sizzle. Orgasm is the result of multi-layered physiological, psychological, and social factors. All of these factors need to line up in order to get you where you want to go.

So, if you’ve been having trouble reaching that glorious O, you’re definitely not alone. Certified sex coach and clinical sexologist, Lucy Rowett, tells me that in order to have an orgasm, we have to first understand that having trouble with O does not, in any way, mean that we are broken, defective, or – to use a retro AF word – frigid.

The factors that can inhibit us are many (like so many). “Stress, anxiety, fatigue, hormonal fluctuations, relationship issues, medications like SSRI or certain medical conditions can contribute to difficulties in reaching orgasm,” says Evie Plumb, a certified sex educator and founder of Cliterally the Best, a sex-positive educational platform and podcast. “As well as this, personal variations in sexual response and preferences play a role.”

Basically, it’s complicated.

A lot of these issues are deepened further by pressure and shame – which can make relaxing enough to give into pleasure quite the feat. “A big part of being able to orgasm is being able to let go, and for many people that is hard AF,” Rowett says. “I know many women and vulva havers, where if they either don't fully trust their partner or there is stress in their relationship, they can't come during sex.”

Now, don’t you worry. This may sound a bit on the ~overwhelming~ side, but I am are here to help. With the glorious assistance of experts and science, I’ve gathered some of the very best tips, tricks, and advice to help you relax enough orgasm. It can be a journey, but I hope it will be a fun one.

Here’s to more orgasms and more pleasure!

Let your partner take things off your to-do list.

Stress is one of the biggest factors that inhibits O. “Whether it's work stress, something going on in your family, stress in your relationship, going through a tough time, overworking, not having enough help at home – all of this can impact your ability to come,” Rowett says. In order to combat stress, allow your partner to take on some of the domestic tasks you have lined up for the day. This way, you’ve removed more inhibitors from your orgasm, allowing for more gas on the go-pedal. The more stressors we can remove, the easier orgasm becomes.

Stop trying to orgasm (yes, really!)

It may sound counterintuitive, but when we stop trying to orgasm – we actually make orgasmsing more likely. Essentially, when we think super hard about climax, it makes relaxing and giving into that elusive peak much more elusive. We’re just too tense, y’all! Being goal-oriented is simply not the way. “Focus on achieving a general sense of pleasure instead,” Plumb says. “This often helps to relieve orgasm-related fears and anxieties – the thing that might be stopping you from reaching climax in the first place.”

Cultivate bodily awareness

We need to get out of our heads and back into our bodies. Orgasms happen when the connection between the body’s pleasure centers and the brain are able to talk to each, uninhibited. If we’re trapped in our thoughts, we dull that connection. Rowett says we can get back into our bodies simply by leaning into awareness. “Keep bringing your attention back to what pleasurable sensations you can feel, and let yourself enjoy them,” she says. When we start to notice and pay attention to what is happening in our bodies, we can feel the sensations more intensely. And the more intensely we can experience sensation, the closer to orgasm we get.

Notice tension and let it go

When we’re building towards climax, we usually start to tense the body. We tense and tense and tense, trying so hard to reach that peak. But Rowett says all this tension makes climax pretty dang hard. Notice this tension and begin to “lighten your touch, move your hips, and sigh out through your mouth,” she says. “When you consciously relax your body and breathe, it makes it easier for energy to flow.”

Complete the stress cycle before getting busy

Having stress in your body creates a frenetic energy that can make finding your O very hard. We need to allow the stress to cycle out in order to get our nervous systems back to a state of calm. Rowett suggests helping the stress get out of your body before you try getting down and dirty. This means quite literally allowing the stress to move and release. This can look like exercise, having a shower or bath, walking your dog, venting to a friend, or indulging in some somatic body shaking. This is where you turn on some music and let yourself go, flowing, moving, dancing, and shaking until the stress has melted away. After this, you’ll be in a much better state of mind for getting frisky.

This week’s mantras:

All pleasure is good pleasure.
I will focus on the journey, not the destination.
I will love myself.

I love you. Have a great week!

XOXO Auntie Gigi

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~Good ReadsSsSssSsSs~

Gooning has become the talk of the town, y’all. Ever heard of it? Gooning is the act of masturbating, typically for hours, until you reach a kind of meditative state. It’s often compared to an extreme form of edging—a sex act in which someone is repeatedly brought close to orgasm (either by themselves or a partner) without actually reaching it. Essentially, you continuously stimulate yourself for hours on end without reaching a climax in order to experience the ‘goon state.’” Want to learn more? I told COSMO all about it. Read more. — COSMO
I spoke to Metro this week all about BDSM and the unlikely UK city that has been recently named the BDSM capital of the country (I was shocked, tbh). Read more. — METRO
I loved this write up on the all the Gen Z dating lingo that has come into play. I hadn’t heard of “quiet relationships” before and I always love learning new things. Read more. — CNN