Could your intrusive thoughts be interfering with your s-x life?
Intrusive thoughts are the ones that come up in your mind involuntarily and make you feel anxious, distressed, or disrupt the normal functioning of your life.
Hey lover,
If you’ve ever found yourself in bed with a partner only to have your mind clogged with strange, scary, or disgusting thoughts—you’re really not on your own there. This can be extremely distressing, distracting, and libido-deadening, but it’s not unusual.
If this sounds familiar to you, you may be experiencing intrusive thoughts. Intrusive thoughts are the ones that come up in your mind involuntarily and make you feel anxious, distressed, or disrupt the normal functioning of your life.
When we’re being intimate with someone, our minds can wander. Staying focused and in the present isn’t easy for some people. This is when intrusive thoughts can creep in. Why? Because we’re all nervous during sex most of the time - and for anxious people, this is multiplied by, like, 1 million.
The reasons for this are down to the poor sex education we received and the shame-laden messages about sex that are handed down from every corner of social life. This, in turn, can increase anxiety, which brings on a myriad of unpleasant thoughts.
Getting to the Bottom of Why We Have Intrusive Thoughts
Anxiety is quite a fickle mistress. It is at the root of all negative thoughts. While it may be horrid and annoying - it’s very common.
Our minds have a lot going on and are very powerful. They’re capable of a whole lot of creative over-thinking.
Fear makes the mind turn on itself. Intrusive thoughts basically take over the mind and spiral us into “worst case scenario only” outcomes.
Once you’re in it, it’s hard to get out of it.
Intrusive thoughts are different from generalized negative thoughts because they genuinely disrupt your life and well-being. They creep in, overtake you, and are hard to repel.
The body needs to respond to these disruptive thought patterns. It doesn’t know that these thoughts are just thoughts.
And so, it responds as if they are IRL threats. It feels the threat and makes your heart beat faster, you start to sweat, and panic sets in.
How Intrusive Thoughts Relate to the Sexual Arousal Process
Our minds and bodies are inextricably linked. Our thought patterns and physiological responses act as a team, responding to different messages coming from the brain.
When it comes to sexual response, the nervous system is one of the key players. We need to be in a state of “rest and digest” in order to experience the full breadth of our erotic potential. That’s why you’ll often hear experts (myself included) say that stress is the ultimate libido killer.
Fear and anxiety negatively impact the nervous system, driving it out of this rest state and into “fight or flight.” When we are in that mode, it’s basically not possible to become aroused - all the things we need for arousal have been stymied by our bodies.
When we’re frightened, the brain tells the body, “It is not sex time! We are in danger!” The body then stops the sexual arousal process.
Why the hell does this happen? Well, it actually makes a lot of sense from an evolutionary perspective (even though it totally sucks).
This “fight or flight” response is our body’s way of reacting to danger. In the days of hunting and gathering, we needed this response to be highly attuned to survive. If we could think about having sex (or breeding) in a moment of high danger, the human race would definitely be extinct.
Managing Intrusive Thoughts for More Pleasant Sexual Experiences
If this sounds overwhelming as all hell, don’t get too worked up. Take a deep breath. Did you do it? All right. Now, let’s discuss how we can calm these intrusive thoughts to encourage our nervous systems to chill the f*ck out.
Here’s what to know about the connection: The nervous system’s ability to regulate is the main factor in managing intrusive thoughts. It takes practice and mindfulness to learn how to manage these physiological responses to your psychological happenings.
When working with clients, I often suggest the 4, 8, 7 Breathing Method. It can be very helpful for calming the body to calm the mind.
How to do it: Breathe in and hold the breath for four counts. Breathe out for seven counts. Then, breathe in for eight, out for four. Repeat three times.
Try to be mindful of your breathing.
Feel your lungs expanding and retracting. It can help to make a fist when breathing in and then to relax the hands when breathing out.
It’s important to remind yourself that these thoughts you’re having really and truly are not real.
For instance: “My partner doesn’t like my body,” or, “I’m not good at sex,” or, “I need to fake an orgasm to please my partner,” or really anything along those lines, it is just a story you’ve created. It has no real meaning other than to sabotage you.
And if it’s just a story, maybe there are other stories we can tell ourselves instead, such as, “It’s OK if I don’t have an erection because we have a strong connection and we can have an amazing time together anyway,” or, “If my partner didn’t enjoy my body, they wouldn’t be here.”
Lastly, if intrusive thoughts are truly disrupting your life, then therapy will always be the most fruitful option. A psychosexual therapist is trained to work with your nervous system to find ways to calm your body and mind. You don’t have to do this work all on your own. When you’re stuck in highly distressing brain-jumbles, trying to find your way out alone can feel overwhelming and can even hinder the process.
There’s nothing to be ashamed of, and you are not alone. Help is always out there. If you want to find a qualified sex and relationships therapist, check out the AASECT registry (USA) or COSRT (United Kingdom). These sources have thousands of fully licensed therapists to choose from.
This week’s mantras:
I am in the driver’s seat of my own life.
I deserve joy and pleasure.
I will love myself.
I love you. Have a great week!
XOXO Auntie Gigi
~Good ReadsSsSssSsSs~
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No, folks. Giving up sex is not a beneficial thing. Kourtney Kardashian recently told an interviewer that she and Travis Barker went on a sex-fast … and tbh, I just feel badly for them. Check out this article to learn why a sex fast isn’t good for you or a relationship (unless offered by a qualified therapist). Read more. - InsideHook
That’s it for me this week, pals. I love you. You have a beautiful and gorgeous mind. You’re able to take control of your life. It’s never wrong to ask for a little help, if you need it. And if you need a quick mood booster: Go masturbate. Quick! Go now!
