Is f!ingering back in style?
We're all here for a good 'ol handy.
[This newsletter will always be free to read, but it’s also how I supplement bills and such - which allows me the flexibility to bring you the best possible sex education every week. So, if you like what you read, please consider a paid subscription.]
Hey babe,
It is 2024 and let me tell you: Fingering is BACK in style.
Why hand-sex is having a cultural moment, once again … and why I love it.
Handjobs/fingering are a great way to get the much-needed clitoral stimulation needed to give people with vulvas orgasms. When it comes to vaginal stimulation, your digits offer unique qualities. Many people have more control over how to use our fingers than a toy. Plus, your fingers have lots of nerve endings, which makes them very good at feeling where things are and touching vulvas in very specific ways. Every vulva is unique, and there's no one-size-fits-all method when it comes to fingering so communication (and a lot of lube) are needed to make it truly great.
4 tips for fingering a vulva and vagina.
Use lube.
The fingers against a clitoris (or inside a vagina) require a barrier and some extra lubrication to not feel like sandpaper pushed up against your nether regions. Always generously lube up your partner’s fingers and the clitoris before moving forward.
When in doubt, stay consistent.
Hand sex will most likely deliver an orgasm when your partner moves in a consistent motion over the glans clitoris. Unlike oral sex, the fingers may need to be a bit more gentle. If you press down too hard, it can become uncomfortable.Have your partner use their pointer and middle fingers to make clockwise circles around the clitoris. If it feels good, keep going. Listen to your body and don’t be afraid to ask for something else if it isn’t working for you. You can try moving the fingers up and down, side to side, or in a figure eight.
Try teasing the vaginal opening.
The clitoris is essential in orgasm, but that doesn’t mean it needs to be the only place you explore during hand sex. The very front of the vaginal opening is packed full of nerves. The bottom of the opening, called the fourchette, is an excellent place to tease and touch.
Try G-spot stimulation.
Not every woman enjoys internal stimulation, but engaging the G-spot stimulates the apex of the clitoris, the backend you can’t see. Try having your partner use the top of their palm to push against the glans clitoris on the outside while the touch the G-spot with their fingers.
How to tell your partner what you want.
Possibly the most important thing of all is to communicate with your partner. Let them know what feels good and what doesn’t. Don’t just lie there and pretend to enjoy something that feels uncomfortable, not particularly pleasurable, or painful. Hand sex can be very hot. Talk about what is working for you and allow your partner the room to improve their skills. Be empathetic, be loving, and have orgasms. Have an open and honest discussion about the need for moreplay -- not just jumping right to the main event (which is actually an unhelpful way to even look at sex, honestly).
How the orgasm gap impacts pleasure.
It basically has everything to do with the sexual hierarchy. Straight women often view penetrative sex as “real sex” and everything else as extra, but not necessary.Many cis women do not have orgasms through penetration alone and so it's not going to be as sexually satisfying as other activities like oral sex or using toys. Meanwhile, cis men perceive penetration as the ultimate way to achieve orgasm but this doesn't work for their partners, leaving their partners unsatisfied.
The clitoris is the center of female orgasm. The vast majority of female orgasms are clitorally-based in some fashion. The external clitoral glans—that little nubbin you see at the top of the labia—has more than 10k nerve fibers. Meanwhile, it gets no (or very little) love during penetration.
Female sexuality is misunderstood in our culture and we need to change that. We need to empower women to be able to ask for what they want sexually and arm them with comprehensive sex education. Until we make people aware of how the female body experiences pleasure and orgasm, we can't close the orgasm gap.
This week’s mantras:
I will ask for what I desire.
I deserve pleasure.
I will love myself.
I love you. Have a great week!
XOXO Auntie Gigi
~Good ReadsSsSssSsSs~
You know I am all about making sex as good as possible. So, when it comes to ways to oral sex, I have the tea — and it’s all in my latest Cosmo piece. From oral sex safety to amping up your oral sex skills, treat yourself to our top 55 tips. Here’s the lowdown on going down. Read more. - COSMO
This Sexplain IT column was amazing. So straightforward and we love to see it. “Do you want to be with him 10 years from now? Thirty years from now? Does the idea of being with him forever not give you a panic attack or make your blood boil?” Dying. You know I love me some nuance, but after reading this reading letter … well it’s pretty clear what this gal should do. Throw the whole man away. Read more. - MEN’S HEALTH
I loved this explainer on Nesting Partners in consensual non-monogamy. Basically, nest partners are just two partners who live together. They ahsare a home and often have children. Hence the term “nesting.” Read more. - WELL+GOOD
Want to work with me?
I’m taking new clients! Book an appointment with me at The Therapy Yard <3
Note: I work exclusively with clients who are: queer, AFAB, women, femmes, AMAB clients within the LGBTQIA+ community, trans and non-binary.
Weekly LOL
A vibe.
That’s it for me this week, pals. I love you. You deserve pleasure. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need. Anyone who isn’t into it can, frankly, fuck off.
