Is your relationship codependent?
A few things to look out for -- and what you can do about it.
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Hey babe,
Can we talk about codependence — because there seems to be a bit of confusion about what this is and what it looks like in romantic relationships. Let’s get into it.
What Is a Codependent Relationship? … and what causes codependence?
A codependent relationship refers to when one partner completely relies on their partner for emotional and physical fulfillment. The other partner often feels the need to be needed. Within this context, partners can fall into a cycle wherein one partner relies heavily on the other and visa versa.
Codependence shouldn't be confused with coregulation. Co regulation is when partners exist within a secure, solid attachment, wherein partners are each other's secure base. This is different from codependence because within a secure attachment, partners are able to differentiate and grow as individuals. The relationship provides a secure base for personal development, rather than a means to stay stuck in a context of total dependence - which can hinder growth.
Some signs to look out for.
You rely on your partner as your sole means of validation.
This looks like wanting your partner to constantly reassure you -- and they are the only means of assurance that has any meaning for you. If you find that you are unable to calm your emotions without your partner's reassurance and validation, this could be a sign you're in a codependent cycle.
You don't make time for relationships outside of your partnership.
If you're spending nearly 100% of your free time with your partner and aren't nurturing your relationships with family and friends, this is a sign you're in a codependent relationship. Take stock of the time you're spending together -- both the quantity and the quality. Make time for other relationships and seek out multiple forms of nurturing so that it isn't solely your partner's job to give you fulfillment.
You feel overwhelmed and anxious when you don't hear from your partner.
When we rely entirely on our partners for our nervous system regulation, it can be easy to spiral out when we don't get a text or call back right away. If you find your heart racing and thoughts spiraling, this is a sign you're dealing with an anxious attachment style and likely this is agitated by codependence. Learn to regulate your nervous system by concentrating on your breath, journaling, and going to therapy to get to the root of your anxiety.
Working through codependence isn’t easy, but it is possible.
There are no quick fixes for a codependent relationship. You really do need the assistance of a professional to help you work out your patterns and find workable solutions. Codependence is built within the context of the relationship and often takes outside help in order to break the cycles and move forward.
Once you recognize patterns, you can work to change them. This takes effort from both partners. Both of you need to be willing to look at your shit and figure out healthy ways to change the ways you behave and relate to one another. So, ask yourself: Are we both in this together? Or will the changes be entirely on me? This is important to know.
This week’s mantras:
I am responsible for creating my own happiness.
I deserve healthy partnerships.
I will love myself.
I love you. Have a great week!
XOXO Auntie Gigi
~Good ReadsSsSssSsSs~
Scissoring is strangely quite controversial — with some people even claiming it isn’t a real thing. Scissoring is mostly practised by people assigned female at birth. It could be two cisgender women, two transmasc people, a cisgender woman and a transmac person. But it’s available to one and all. I gave my best advice to Beth Ashley at Gay Times this week. Read more. - GAYTIMES
Not me writing all about facesitting. I n case you haven’t heard, face sitting is having a major cultural renaissance at the moment. And, my god, do we love to see it! The hashtag #FaceSitting has well over a million views on TikTok with popular videos garnering hundreds of thousands of likes. But, uh, what exactly is face sitting? Literally so glad you asked.
As the name suggests, face sitting, sometimes called “queening,” is when someone (usually a person with a vulva, cis-woman, or femme) sits on the face of their partner in order to receive oral sex. While this may sound a bit dangerous, when done correctly, it really isn’t. JFYI, you usually don't fully sit your whole body weight down on the person giving you oral sex—unless they want you to, that is. Read more. - COSMO
Me giving you 32 ways to have orgasms? Yes. I did do that. As lovely as getting off is, it can be extremely frustrating when those big O moments prove elusive. Whether you’ve never experienced one at all, struggle to get there during partnered sex, or have recently “lost your orgasm” à la Samantha in that one episode of SATC, the truth is that sometimes figuring out how to orgasm is something that takes some time, patience, and effort. That’s because, believe it or not, having an orgasm is actually a pretty complex process. It isn’t as simple as rubbing the clit and waiting for something magical to happen, like throwing a bag of popcorn in the microwave and standing by till it sizzles. Read more. - COSMO
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Have you heard of vaginal plugs? Well, you have now. A vaginal plug can be used for a variety of different things -- but the two main reasons are dilation and pleasure through fullness. For dilation, this is usually in conjunction with treatment for sexual disorders like vaginismus. Dilators are used in graduated sized to help the patient become used to penetration. For pleasure reasons, a plug can provide a really great feeling of fullness for the person using them. Some plugs are rather girthy, making them a favorite amongst size queens. Read more. - COSMO
Want to work with me?
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Weekly LOL
Calling all little house on the prairie girlies.
That’s it for me this week, pals. I love you. You deserve all the healthy and supportive love in the world.
