What's the difference between a k*nk and a f3t!sh?
And does knowing the difference really matter?
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Hey babe,
I get asked about this topic a lot so I figured it would be really helpful to do a ‘lil explainer this week.
Kinks and fetishes tend to get thrown into the same bucket of “taboo” sexual interests. This isn’t exactly surprising, TBH, given society’s dismissive and often downright negative treatment of sexual behaviors and fantasies that deviate from the (vanilla, cis-het) “norm.” But don’t be fooled, there *is* a difference between a kink and a fetish.
A kink is the desire or preference for “non-normative” behaviors or things - think leather, bondage etc. A fetish, meanwhile, is a sexual interest in something that falls outside of the same norm - but is REQUIRED for the person to reach full sexual arousal or orgasm.
Basically, we can boil down the difference between kinks and fetishes to three main definitions:
“Kink” or “being kinky” is a big umbrella term for all non-vanilla sexual behaviors, acts, and desires.
A kink is a specific sexual interest in a non-normative sexual behavior, body part, object, or act.
A fetish is a specific sexual interest in a non-normative sexual behavior, body part, object, or act. This specific thing is usually a requirement for full sexual arousal. Many require the fetish object/act in order to experience sexual arousal and orgasm.
While these three takeaways pretty much sum up the distinction between these two different flavors of non-vanilla sex, there’s a lot more nuance to what these fantasies and experiences actually look like in real life. For one thing, what even counts as “kinky” in the first place is subject to personal interpretation.
What’s kinky for one person may not be for another. You may think french kissing is kinky in some cases. Meanwhile, other people may not find anything short of getting spanking, in a cage, in a dungeon kinky. Basically, it’s a bit of a choose your own adventure situation.
There’s no concrete definition of what’s “normal” in bed, and there certainly isn’t any concrete definition of what’s considered kinky. Kinkiness is in the eye of the beholder.
Of course, what is “typical” depends on society’s definition of “normal” sex, which is not only constantly evolving, but also influenced by the sex negativity that still runs rampant through almost every aspect of our culture. But, generally speaking, when we say “typical,” we’re talking about “vanilla sex.” Vanilla refers to sex that fall within a typical heteronormative paradigm. When we think about it this way, a lot of sex might seem kinkier than we thought!
OK SO: Remember, kinks = “non-normative” sexual preferences, while fetishes = “non-normative” sexual requirements.
That said, there is some crossover between the two. For example, foot stuff might just be a kink if someone happens to love feet, toe-sucking, fishnet stockings on feet, etc.
Getting clear on these definitions matters because it helps us understand our relationship to our specific desires. This will impact how we choose to engage in sex and in our partnerships.
Hope this helps, my beautiful babes.
This week’s mantras:
It’s OK to have desires that fall outside society’s norms.
I deserve pleasure.
I will love myself.
I love you. Have a great week!
XOXO Auntie Gigi
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That’s it for me this week, pals. I love you. Whatever you’re into, that’s OK. Everyone deserves to be able to have the sex they want to have. Sure, we need to compromise in relationships - but everyone should be able to be heard and cared for.
