How negative body image stifles libido.

There is a direct correlation with our self-image and our ability to enjoy pleasure fully.

Nov 15, 2021

Hey babe,

I want to chat about body image and how it impacts intimacy, pleasure, and our overall well-being. Because it is hugely impactful. So, let’s chat about it, shall we?

Our relationship with our bodies can affect our intimacy with our partner.

There is certainly a direct correlation with our self-image and our ability to enjoy pleasure fully. Pleasure and orgasms are a mind-body experience. When we're feeling badly about how we look, are anxious, or distracted - it takes us out of a headspace to be fully present for ourselves and our partners.

Often this can lead to a decease in desire, fewer orgasms, and an overall withdrawal from sex.

In practice, I start with education and education.

I start with the basic sex therapy technique of reframing mixed with pyschosexual education. We need to remove stigma and fear around our bodies to begin to love them. A strategy I use is vulva mapping. The first thing you need to do is look at your vulva. Yes, I’m talking about sitting in front of a mirror (the bigger the better, but a hand mirror is fine, too) and look at yourself. With so much sexual shame around the vulva, this can be surprisingly difficult for some women to do. We’re told the vulva is ugly, smells weird, and is made for male pleasure. Your vulva is beautiful. Every single one of them is different.

The pornofied, hairless vulvas we’ve come to view as “normal” are far from it. There really is no “normal” when it comes to vulvas. Sit in front of the mirror. Have your phone or laptop open to a diagram of the vulva. Then, look at yourself and name your parts. The clitoris, your inner and outer labia, your urethral opening, your vaginal opening etc.

Once you’ve finished your practice, it’s critical that you take some time for self-care. Take a hot bath, enjoy a glass of wine, watch one of your favorite movies. If it helps, journal about your mapping experience. This helps to re-shape the way we feel about our bodies and about pleasure. We want to start exposing the client to their bodies ina shame-free, open way so they can cultivate the tools and techniques to build desire.

Our shitty sex ed and social media’s parade of fake bodies have seriously messed us up. It is NOT real.

In what little sex ed we have, there is so much focus on the pregnancy aspect of sexuality that everything else is left out, ie. the real reasons people even have sex: to get off. To feel good. To feel closer to their partner. To feel good about themselves. To feel desire and to be desired. To feel alive. And on and on. This lack of proper education contributes greatly to adulthood trauma around sexuality, owning our sexual identities, shame, and general fear. It is only with education that we can reduce the harm of these traumas. If we begin teaching sexuality in a comprehensive, holistic way, we will wind up with a healthier society.

Lastly, here is one practical strategy anyone who is not happy with their body can use to improve their connection to intimacy.

Cultivate a radical masturbation ritual. When we are flooded with the post-orgasmic hormone cocktail of dopamine and oxytocin, we are more in our bodies and are generally more at peace. Pleasure, orgasmic or not, can boost our health. During foreplay and sexual arousal, your brain naturally releases the chemical serotonin, which helps to increase sexual satisfaction and regulate mood. Orgasms are nature’s Valium.

Building a stronger relationship to pleasure can build a stronger relationship to your body and self-esteem. Masturbation is incredibly liberating for most people and shows them the true awesomeness of their bodies and what they're capable of. This, in turn, helps to rewire our thinking from "I'm not good enough or hot enough" to "wow, I am so amazing and my body is capable of so much pleasure.

This week’s mantras: