Yes, libido does change throughout our lives.
But that doesn't mean s9x can't keep getting better and better.
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Hey babe,
Libido is a fickle beast. It can feel unpredictable, elusive, and downright confusing. We aren’t given much information on sex in general, let alone how “sex drive” actually works. Spoiler: It actually isn’t a drive at all.
Understanding how our desire works—and how it changes with age—can help you know yourself better so that you can have better sex.
If you’ve dealt with shifts in your libido, this is totally normal. The desire for sex changes and shifts throughout our lives, and so many things can impact sexual desire, like stress, age, work, having children, etc.
Let’s break down how libido changes and shifts throughout our lives, how to make sex more pleasurable, and how to nurture your desire for sex so that you can live your best erotic life, regardless of age.
Breaking down what libido is and how it functions in sex.
We need to break down how libido actually works because it’s low-key complicated. Sexual desire is not a drive—it’s built out of a reward system. This means that the more good sex we have, the more we want. “Good” is the operative word here.
The best predictor or libido is whether the sex you’re having is sex you want to be having. So if you’re having sex that doesn’t give you pleasure and/or orgasms, you’re not going to want it. This is true at any age.
What’s more, a fundamental puzzle piece in our lack of education is the misconception around desire itself. We think we’re supposed to just “want sex” and should wait for our desire to spark. But this is not how it works—desire can be spontaneous, or it can be responsive.
Horniness is spontaneous desire. It’s the desire for sex that seems to come out of nowhere - a response to physical arousal. On the other hand, responsive desire is being receptive to the idea of sex for reasons other than being horny.”
(If you want to learn more about spontaneous versus responsive desire, read this, where I go into it in depth).
All of this intersects with age. Spontaneous desire is highest in our youth—and at the beginning of relationships. This means we need to be consciously fostering our responsive desire as we age and develop in our relationships.
While many factors impact libido as we age, this is the foundation: Desire needs some TLC to thrive.
Age and libido: What you need to know.
Every person’s experience of libido will be different. As we age, our libido can see peaks and valleys. This is due to a variety of factors such as our physical health, our mental state, stress, and hormone levels.
As we age, we tend to have more responsibilities and stressors in our lives—and this can negatively impact our sexual appetites. Additionally, if you get older and your physical health deteriorates, this can also cause a dip in libido. Managing our stress levels and physical health is key to maintaining a healthy sex life.
For people assigned male at birth, testosterone levels are highest in their 20s and 30s, which may give them a boost in spontaneous desire (a.k.a. horniness). As they age and testosterone levels decrease, they may see a dip in “horniness.”
In contrast to this, people assigned female at birth may actually see an increase in libido in their 30s. Why is this? Well, because they get to know their bodies better. This won’t be true for everyone, but as we learn more about what we like and don’t like, we tend to have better sexual experiences—which leads to wanting more sex.
In your 50s—for people with vulvas—the symptoms of perimenopause and menopause (such as insomnia, hot flashes, and mood swings) may cause diminished desire—as can painful penetrative sex due to diminished estrogen,
For all people, maintaining our physical health as well as understanding the context for our peak sexual experiences is required. This way, we can build on all that lovely responsive desire, which will increase libido.
5 ways you can keep your libido poppin’ at any age and stage of life.
1. Check in with your physical health:
Your physical well-being is so important when it comes to a healthy libido. Be sure to see your doctor and rule out any physical conditions or medications that may be impacting your desire for sex. Additionally, be sure you’re getting enough sleep.
2. Reduce stress:
Obviously, this is easier said than done—but stress is impactful on our sexual well-being. According to Balestrieri, desire and stress are like oil and water.
3. Explore fantasy and masturbation:
Engaging with curiosity and fantasy feeds responsive desire. When we’re in long-term relationships, our “horniness” decreases over time. This can lead to boredom. We need to bring our brains back to the sexual realm to feel desire.
4. Practice mindfulness:
We often have trouble staying fully present during sex. This is why practicing mindfulness can be super helpful. It can help us “work to be fully present during sex instead of focusing on unfinished tasks or the way one’s body looks,” Mintz says. To learn more about mindfulness, read this book.
5. Look at underlying relationship issues:
If you’re harboring relationship resentments, your desire for your partner will plummet. Anger and dissatisfaction are supreme libido killers.
Being able to address some of these issues can also increase communication around the kinds of sex you’re having. Opening up the conversation about this and feeling like you can ask for the sex acts that you find the most pleasurable can vastly increase your libido.
All in all, we need to understand that sex can get better with age if we commit to making it an important part of our lives. It’s about wanting to have good sex and being open to engaging with our libidos so that we can find what works best for each of us.
This week’s mantras:
I am worthy of a full sexual life.
I have the capacity for boundless pleasure.
I will love myself.
I love you. Have a great week!
XOXO Auntie Gigi
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~Good ReadsSsSssSsSs~
Requests vs. boundaries in relationships. What’s the deal? “Requests ask someone else to change their behavior—and they may or may not do so. For this reason, requests are fundamentally unenforceable; the outcome is out of our control. Meanwhile, when we set boundaries, we are making clear what we will or won’t tolerate.” How two these two idea impact relationships? Read more. - THE GOTTMAN INSTITUTE
If monogamy has never been your thing, Kayla Kibbe over at Cosmo has the piece for you. She explores the journey into non-monogamy and the benefits of exploring an open relationship when dating. Read more. - COSMO
How can you afford to be kinky in this cost of living crisis? People are getting very, very creative with their DIY these days. Read more. - MASHABLE
That’s it for me this week, pals. I love you. Pleasure doesn’t have an expiration date. Don’t let silly socially constructed ideas about what it means to be sexual affect how you enjoy your life.
