Please don't feed the commenters.
There is a time and place for having legitimate discussions, even heated ones, with others about your work. The comments section is not that place.
Good morning, unicorn babe!
I hope you had a restful weekend. How’s the first week without Trump in office been going? I’ll admit I’m feeling hopeful for the future today. We have that certified douchenozzle out of office, the vaccine for Covid is coming our collective way (slowly but surely), and I’ve come to discover that spring in London actually starts in February. Which, for a Chicago girl, is unheard of.
Color me delighted by this wonderful news, even though we still can’t go anywhere, see anyone, or do anything. I’m growing hyacinths in my window right now. When I picked them up at the M&S, they started growing really quickly. Like overnight they’ve been sprouting up three inches. I was kind of alarmed. But apparently that’s very normal. And they grew up and started blooming. After only a few days! I think there’s something really magical about growing plants when you’re exposure to the outside world is limited.
It’s a tangible gateway into the changing seasons, a stunning reminder that life is still starting, ending, and starting again all around us, even in a pandemic.
One of my best friends messaged me the other night saying he’s planning to (tentatively) come to the UK in May and wants me to go see castles and stonehenge with him. We want to wear hats and speak in bad British accents (he has the most grotesque Artful Dodger British accent he does in public with a total lack of shame and I have to admire it). It was one of the first times in a very long time that I looked toward the future with more than dread and a low-level anxiety that seems to have been a constant since last March.
Will our castle touring work out? Maybe not. But, man, it feels could to think that it might.
But, it hasn’t all been hyacinths and dreams of royal ruins over here, babe.
Last weekend, I did a dumb thing. A thing I’m really not supposed to do. Something I told everyone not to do in my book. Something I told my friend not to do just the other day: I read the comments. And worse, engaged with commenters.
Sometimes people have legitimate takes and fair criticisms, and I get that. Even looking over the comments the following day, I saw that some of of the ones that had upset me were actually quite interesting … when I looked at them with a calm mind. Of course, the vast majority were absolutely ludicrous and shook my faith in humanity to my very core.
In the moment, I wasn’t able to see anything above the ludicrous, sex-negative bullshit. In the moment, I was pissed off.
Because we never do “get” where someone else is coming from in the heat of it, right? We’re coming from an emotional place when someone comments on something we created. It feels personal. It feels like an attack, even if it’s not. The reaction we have is not logical. Hence my rule about NOT reading the comments. It never goes well.
And SPOILER: This time was no different.
I don’t want to get into the details because they’re boring and, at this point, I’m so over it I could vom. But I wanted to impart some Auntie G wisdom, once again, to you (and I clearly need to take it myself) - whether you’re a creator or not: DON’T. READ. THE. COMMENTS. Don’t. Don’t do it.
Nothing good will come it. No matter how righteous you feel, no matter how en pointe your carefully crafted arguments: Don’t do it. Because you’re speaking to someone who feels just as sure of themselves. You’re speaking to someone who has taken time out of their day to come and comment on YOUR work. That person is looking to argue with you.
9/10, they’re looking for attention. Hoping you’ll give it to them. Praying you will. And if you give them a taste, it will never stop. They’ll keep going until you’re on the brink of the worst migraine in history. There are times for having legitimate discussions, even heated discussions, with people about your work. The comments session is not the place.
There are exceptions, of course, but 99% of the time the people who are off in the weeds, commenting merrily (or angrily, which is more likely) away, are not qualified to have constructive discussions with you about your work. They don’t know jack-shit about it, have no experience in your field, and are just there to upset you. The comments section is designed for flame-ups, whether it be on an article, an Instagram post, a painting, a fucking recipe for turkey chili, whatever.
Instead of “just checking to see what people thought of X",” take a beat. Go masturbate. Have an orgasm. Drink some tea. Do some stretching. Close social media. Once your creation is out in the world, let it be out in the world. Talk about your work with colleagues in a safe space designed for those critical chats. Take feedback from people who actually matter. That’s how you improve your work. Nothing good comes out of engaging with all the Karens who are mad at you for XYZ. Fuck Karen.
Please, don’t feed the commenters.
This week’s mantras:
My energy is sacred.
It is OK to disagree with people. I will think before I respond.
I will not read the comments.
I will love myself.
I love you. Have a great week!
XOXO Auntie Gigi
Look who’s on Refinery29?!
I did a branded piece about IUDs with Refinery29 last year and it’s finally here!
Watch now.
~Good reads~
How Long-Distance Toys Are Impacting Relationships During The Pandemic
If you have a favorite vibrator or dildo that you love, you can use that toy on video with your lover, and boom — you have a long-distance sex toy. With that being said, there are a lot of options to help build more intimate connections with long-distance partners, including toys that come with apps you can use to control your partner’s vibrator. We’re living in the space-age, folks.
ARTICLE BY: Madeline Howard for Bustle
How to Talk to Your Kids About Sex
I am a sex-positive parenting advocate, but it can be difficult to know where to even start with these conversations. We’re imbibed with so many sex-negative messages from both the world around us and the messages we were brought up with. There is fear of spill-over - that we’ll inevitably fuck up our kids, despite our best intentions. This mom decided to simply let her kids know when she and her partner having sex (in order to get some privacy) and to stop acting like it was a weird thing to be embarrassed about.
ARTICLE BY: Jamie Cohen for HuffPo UK
Why 'Bridgerton' Is Making Everyone So Damn Horny — and How to Take Full Advantage
For Shape Magazine, I took a deep dive into the psychosexual real to figure out exactly why Bridgerton had such a huge effect on all of our libidos. Here's my theory: We're horny for hot people who actually want to f*ck each other and we get wet AF for period pieces. Combine the two, and [💥💥💥] you have the whole internet dropping their pants and grabbing their vibrators.
How to Have Better Sex
I really enjoyed this article because of it’s nuance. The things the author discusses (focus on pleasure, positive sexual attitudes etc.) were handled with great care.
This is about feeling connected and empowered through sexual play, not constantly pushing boundaries. Here are some ways to inject joy into your sex life.
ARTICLE BY: Ruby Rare for The Guardian
What to Do If Your Friend Comes Out As Non-Binary
So, you have a friend, partner, family member, or coworker who has shared with you that they are non-binary. First of all, damn you are so lucky!!! Not only are you blessed that someone in your life has invited you to participate in knowing them more deeply and honestly, but you get to know a non-binary babe! And yes, all non-binary people are babes. Facts.
ARTICLE BY: HoneyAdultPlay
~Vibe of the week~
~ASK GIGI~
Don't beat yourself up about it. If you're interested in increasing libido, get curious. Desire for sex is not an inherent human "drive" like we've been told it is - desire is born out of our brain and body's reciprocal reward system. Meaning we are more likely to want sex if we have positive sexual experiences. The better the sex we have, the more sex we want. So, if your libido is low, it's time to explore your desire and your pleasure.
~IG LIVE: ASK US ANYTHING with Gigi Engle and Dr. Laurie Mintz~
This week I was joined on IG live for a special “Ask Us Anything” with Laurie Mintz, Ph.D. a Licensed Psychologist & Certified Sex Therapist and Author of Becoming Cliterate. Check out the full video here.
We’re going to start making these Q&As a monthly thing. It’s a cool chance for anyone, anywhere to have their sex questions answered. I’m a Dr. Laurie super-fan so I’m kind of geeking out that she’s agreed to do with me. You can buy her book, Becoming Cliterate, here. It was life-changing for me.
That’s it for me this week, babe. Remember to take your vitamins, masturbate, and don’t spend your time on fuckbois/girls/persons who don’t deserve your energy. I love you.
Get 10% off all toys and lube from Self & More with code Gigi.