G-Hot Q&A: What's it like to be a pro femme Dom?
Mistress Kye is here to spill the tea on everything.
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Hey babe,
Happy spooky season! Is anyone else so excited for pumpkin everything and fall scented candles? I cannot wait. I have Practical Magic ready and waiting for a cozy Sunday morning this weekend.
I have the specialist of treats for you to today. I’ve gotten many a request for one of these Q&As to be with a Pro Dom. And TODAY is the day.
Mistress Kye is a highly regarded and respected lifestyle Domme, professional kinkster, kink/BDSM educator and mentor. She’s well-known for being front and center in the eXXXotica expo dungeon as one of their primary BDSM educators and traveled with the convention for a number of years. Through her long career, she has hosted a plethora of kink-centered events, seminars, classes, play parties and has produced kink-themed burlesque shows and weekend takeover events in the Philadelphia region. Most recently she’s created a kink-specific apparel line on etsy called Kinkster Merch and is launching KinksterMerch.com in early December. She can be found on socials @MistressKye or at MistressKye.com.
LET’S DO THIS!
Q: What made you want to become a pro-Dom?
A: It was late 1980-something and I was general-managing a handful of brothels (called massage parlors back then) in Philadelphia. Back then, it was difficult to find a Dominatrix, even in a major metropolitan city like Philly. We had one, Mistress Victoria, and she was elusive. The demand for female domination was as strong then as it is now, but incredibly difficult to experience. Lifestyle FemDom in the kink community hadn’t quite gotten its footing as far as organizing like-minded folks. And, as mentioned, professional Dominatrix’s were a scarcity.
I inadvertently stumbled into being a pro-Domme by simply being in the office of the brothel. We had a make-shift listening system in the women’s lounge that also covered the brothel lobby area where customer negotiations would occur. I was looking over the weekly books when I overheard a customer asking for domination. A few of the women who’d excused themselves were giggling in the lounge and it caught my full attention. Nobody really had the interest or skill-set to partake in that type of session. But for me, it was a natural inclination I hadn’t realized until that day.
The reason they were giggling is because he not only wanted simple (simple by today’s standards) kinky play like being walked on a collar & leash with some basic humiliation, he also wanted his erect penis slammed in a car door as the grande finale. He was offering $1000. It’s a lot of money now, it felt like a fortune in the late 80’s.
So, I found myself intrigued. I walked out of the office into the lobby and quietly, but directly, told him to show me the cash, then get down and lick the floor on his hands & knees. The floor licking was impromptu and I had no idea where it came from. But, it felt right and natural for me. I felt as if I stepped into sunlight and it felt powerful. That’s the moment my professional FemDom journey began.
Also, I took him downstairs and slammed his erect penis in a car door.
Q: What was the process like to make this lifestyle happen for you?
A: The process for me was through the underground alt community that existed in the city back in the late 80’s early 90’s. A lot of the fringe communities overlapped because everyone in those lifestyles were often considered by mainstream society as doing criminal or deeply, deeply ostracized activities. Our circles were a venn diagram of debauchery and fun. I didn’t have the benefit of a FemDom mentor the way folks do today. I had to figure it out on my own. A lot of those communities are where I learned kink as a lifestyle and as a profession. As I mentioned, FemDoms hadn’t even really begun to emerge and organize in the BDSM community just yet, and professionals were scarce. I was on my own to find my way.
I learned by doing. By trying and failing and learning from those mistakes. I also made a point to absorb as much information I could from the male submissives I engaged with, whether lifestyle or professional players. I still do today. Nobody is a better teacher than someone enthusiastic about their kink. I learned by rolling up my sleeves and getting down doing-the-thing.
There just weren’t folks like me available to newbie FemDom’s. It’s why I make myself available to anyone who’s sincerely trying to learn and I never gatekeep information. I love my community and want to set folks up for success.Â
Q: What does a day in the life of a pro femme Dom look like?
A: Contrary to what many subs would like to imagine and assume, a FemDom is not sitting around adorned in a latex catsuit, leather thigh-high stilettos in full makeup 24/7 awaiting their next ‘victim’ for seductive play. We’re at a laptop, doing admin, marketing, networking, social media, etc for our persona, brand and businesses. The modern-day FemDom often has multi-streams of income from various platforms and/or businesses and needs to nurture and oversee each. We often attend conventions as educators or host/produce play parties or events. With that, there’s a lot of un-sexy stuff that occurs before the big show that is FemDom.
Many pro-Dommes are also lifestylers and are involved in some variation of a D/s dynamic. I’ve had live-in submissives throughout my life. Some romantic partners, some just service submissives. A typical day in that regard begins with my submissive waking before me and getting the day started. I’m usually greeted with morning coffee along with my pro-Dom itinerary for the day. Often, when you’re a lifestyle Domme and professional FemDom, the two are heavily intertwined throughout day-to-day living.
Q: How has it changed your life?
A: Being a current-day professional FemDom is a lot different than it was throughout my life - or even 10 years ago. Kink is so mainstream now that it’s given everyone permission to explore their kink curiosities. People want to know what’s behind the curtain and they don't feel ashamed to ask anymore. We’re all talking about BDSM openly now in a way I dreamed of happening my entire life. I never imagined I’d be in mainstream publications like Men’s Health or Cosmopolitan talking freely about kink or be the face of Hustler’s ‘Fabulous Over 40’ piece. With BDSM being so mainstream now, I’ve met some high-profile folks I wouldn’t have met otherwise. In fact, I’ve been surprised by who’s sought me out. Being a professional kinkster has certainly put this second chapter of my life on a trajectory I never dreamed it could be and I’m excited for the projects and collaborations currently in the works.
Q: Is there any advice you'd give someone who is considering being a femme Dom as a career?
A: My advice is to always be authentic. Be your true self. Fake-it-til-you-make-it doesn’t deliver because in kink you’re dealing with people's vulnerabilities, their truth. If you’re serving up inauthenticity to them, they’re going to pick up on that quickly. If you feel fake to them, they will pass. Authenticity is where they relate to you and where you build your connections. It’s your currency.
Second to that is know your boundaries, be clear on what they are and stand firm on them. Boundaries are your best self care. Being a professional FemDom means you’re going to consistently be asked for your time, energy, and attention by folks who feel quite entitled to it.
Lastly, put your FemDom persona on a shelf and bring it down when it’s show time. It’s easy to get caught up in the power exchange but that can burn you out quickly. Always try to turn off that part of you and be present in you, the human being.
This week’s mantras:
My desires are not shameful.
It is good necessary that my desires are respected and understood by trusted partners.
I will love myself.
I love you. Have a great week!
XOXO Auntie Gigi
~Good ReadsSsSssSsSs~
I teamed up with Cosmo to distill the very best sex tips, courtesy of Cosmo’s lengthy legacy of making everything we do in bed better for us all. Hopefully these 19 tips will bring you closer to the fabulous, satisfying, and orgasmic sex life you damn well deserve. Read more. - COSMO
Y’all know I love me an oral sex simulating toy. My fav of the moment is the SKYN Wave. This tongue-shaped vibrator flutters against the clitoris, or various other external erogenous zones, like nipples. It's a perfect toy for people new to this kind of stimulation, and it is in a really reasonable price range. Want more recs? Check out this piece from GQ. Read more. - GQ
If you’ve ever wondered how to be amazing at girl-on-girl sex, I’ve got the tips for you. Even though there’s stuff you can learn, and it’s always helpful to have that in your back pocket to make you feel more confident, every person is different. Read more. - WOMEN’S HEALTH
I really liked Franki Cookney’s substack newsletter (The Overthinker’s Guide to Sex) this week. It explores being poly, motherhood, and sex after having children. It gave me a lot to think about! Read more. - THE OVERTHINKER’S GUIDE TO SEX
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That’s it for me this week, pals. I love you. You’re a shining star.
