If you've been wondering if you should stay or leave a relationship, this might be why.
Overcoming (or coming to terms with) relationship ambivalence can be a hard thing to cope with, mama.
Hey babe,
Have you ever been in one of those really confusing relationships where you’re just not sure if you should break up? You know the ones, right? Where it’s so good when it’s good, and then so bad when it gets bad? And maybe there have even been a few where you’re like, “Eh, it’s OK, but IDK.”
Welcome to relationship ambivalence (or relational ambivalence), one of the most universally frustrating aspects of romantic partnerships.
We often experience really good feelings when a relationship is good and really bad feelings when a relationship is bad. Staying in bad relationships often stems from strong feelings of passion and intensity—which are only possible because of the fighting, difficulties, or general bad vibes. This is all rooted in how we relate to and develop attachments to one another. For people who have an avoidant or anxious attachment style in romantic relationships they may cling or pull away based on this. The intensity of emotions that comes along with tumultuous relationships can be a big part of the draw.
When we’re tangled up in emotionally fraught romantic relationships, we need to definitively decide to stay or go. This is really important for our personal growth, as well as our general sanity.
It’s not all bad. There are just as many, if not more, situations in which our ability to sit with and unpack our ambivalence reflects that we understand and take in the complexities on which life is built. Ambivalence is at the core of being human: a mix of dichotomous feelings that need sussing out and decoding.
The question becomes: How do we know when to move away from the tension and conflicts—and when to exist within those contradictory emotions and contexts?
What Is Relational Ambivalence, and How Does It Manifest?
Relational ambivalence in romantic relationships is feeling unsafe, unsteady, or unsure in a relationship. It comes out of contradictory feelings that can box us in, leaving us seemingly unable to pull ourselves out. When relationships offer extreme highs and extreme lows we toggle between the feeling of wanting to see what else there is to explore and not wanting to lose what we have.
This is roots in “social exchange theory,” wherein each person inside of a relationship does what they can to maximize the rewards while limiting the personal costs that it takes to be in those relationships. Within SET, we’re constantly weighing the costs of leaving a situation vs. staying - deciding which is better for us. And a lack of definitive feeling either way can leave us stuck.
You’re left wondering: Should I stay or should I go? Is this worth fighting for, or would I be better off looking for love somewhere else?
How It Helps, and How It Hinders
Ambivalence isn’t all detrimental. It highlights our unique capacity to hold many strong emotions at once while attempting to think through decisions in this chaotic-ass world.
But when it comes to relationships, being left in the throughs of ambivalence is strongly rooted in attachment style - as I mentioned above. Insecurely attached people hang on or they tend to avoid.
ICYMI: An attachment style describes the ways we interact with partners. You can either be avoidant, anxious, or secure. It’s probably clear which of these three is the least problematic (secure). When we attach to partners in a way that inspires either anxiety or a fear of creating emotional intimacy, ambivalence can present in quite serious ways.
There is even data that suggests ambivalence can drive couples to work on their problems. Why? Because it can be helpful in self-protection - because, honestly, we can never be completely 100% sure about anything or anyone. Sorry to sound nihilistic, but such is life. These emotional states, while very annoying and stressful, do serve a certain purpose.
And don’t worry. The irony that ambivalence is both good and bad is not lost on me.
Why Experiencing Ambivalence Is So Challenging—Especially in Romantic Relationships
Feeling both strongly positive and strongly negative emotions for one person and a relationship can be downright uncomfortable. Being on the receiving end can be especially disheartening. When we feel like our partner isn’t as interested in us as we are in them, we become insecure and the relationship weakens.
When you don’t feel safe in a relationship, you begin to feel unstable and your nervous system gets out of whack. Not great, you know?
At the same time, the meaning we ascribe to our ambivalence may determine how we respond to it. Then again, it may be more about HOW we feel about ambivalence, rather than the ambivalence itself. It may be trying to tell you something: That there is something not quite right about the situation you’re in and there it needs looking at and addressing.
It boils down to this: When we are challenged with feelings of discomfort, anxiety, etc., it feels shitty and may lead us to question whether this relationship is right for us.
How to Resolve Your Ambivalence
The answer we’ve all been waiting for: How the hell do you resolve relational ambivalence? Feeling conflicted is hard, and we all want to be happy, right?
You need to work on it. Exploring your attachment style and past relationships can help you wade through uncertain waters. The truth is, it can happen to anyone. Commitment often spurs on feelings of ambivalence because we humans are indecisive creatures with many a conflicting emotion about lots of difference things - especially romance and partnership.
In these situations, experiencing ambivalence might be positive since it indicates the pain of growth. It is essential for us not to negate our emotions. Working through difficult emotions helps us to have a corrective experience long-term.”
Ask yourself this: Are you motivated to make the relationship work? Because this is key. If you do want to work on it, it’s possible to explore this option. An exploration into our ambivalence can be a useful resource because emotions are internal messengers that guide how we respond to certain situations going forward. If we endeavor to understand them holistically, they can provide a lot of useful information and guide us in the right direction, whether that’s growth or a breakup. Both things are valid.
I’ll leave you with this: You can’t solve all your relationship problems, because that isn’t possible. Everyone is different, and conflict of some kind is always involved in interpersonal dynamics. It’s not about completely resolving absolutely everything, but rather to build communication and figure out how to resolve these complex emotions and the underlying relationship issues that are provoking them.
If you determine the motivation is kind of, “Eh, I don’t really care,” and the idea of working through your issues is not appealing, that may be your answer. Because if you don’t care enough to do the work, it’s probably best to move on.
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This week’s mantras:
I deserve to have the love I want.
I don’t need to stay in situations that aren’t right for me.
It’s better to be alone than to be with someone and feel alone.
I will love myself.
I love you. Have a great week!
XOXO Auntie Gigi
Part of this newsletter originally appeared on TheBody.
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That’s it for me this week, pals. I love you. You deserve big love and you deserve great sex. You’ve got this. I believe in you.
