Are you self-sabotaging your own relationship?
This is very relatable for a lot of people. So, how do you break the cycle?
Hey babe,
Let’s talk self-sabotage because, honestly, we really need to.
Self sabotage can take on a lot of different shades - from purposely distancing yourself from someone who wants to become closer to you, to protest behaviors (like starting fights, creating problems where there are none), cheating on partners you care about, to overthinking and writing scripts for your partner (attempting to mind read), when they didn't actually do or say the thing you've convinced yourself they've done or said.
Why we self sabotage.
We self-sabotage for many reasons. The most common is a lack of self-worth or feeling undeserving of kindness and love. Sometimes when we have something really great and truly believe we don't deserve it, we do things in order to prove ourselves right. We may set impossible standards of our partners and then when they fail to meet them, we think 'HA! I knew it all along.'
Self-sabotaging behaviors are also closely linked to attachment style. Insecurely attached people (Anxious Attached, Anxious Ambivalent, or Avoidant attachment) are more likely to push partners away or do things in order to sabotage themselves and their relationships. Attachment style is rooted both in the ways we bonded with our primary caregivers as children and the types of relationships we have as adults - both impact how we behave in relationships and how we choose partners.Â
This is so, so common. But why? WHY do we do this to ourselves?
It's a form of coping and the truth is, a lot of people are not securely attached people. And lots and lots of people suffer from mental health struggles like anxiety and depression. Self sabotage is very common - and it's so common because it is a lot easier to act out and destroy a relationship when it hits struggles or you don't feel your needs are being met than to actually be vulnerable and start to work on the issues at hand. We're terrified of being vulnerable in most situations, and this is especially true when it comes to intimate partnerships.
Mental health and therapy are only now coming into fashion as being something we should all be encouraged to do. Most people are taught they have to 'fend for themselves' and push their emotions away. The issue is, when you push your emotions away they don't actually go away. They come back and bite you in the form of self sabotaging behaviors because there are wounds there that have not been addressed and dealt with.
How to break the cycle.
he good news is, attachment wounds can be healed through therapy and self-reflection. Breaking the cycles and stopping self-sabotaging behaviors take actually understanding that there is a problem and being willing to face it, process it, and ultimately work yourself enough to feel secure enough where protest behaviors (self-sabotaging behaviors) stop being the primary way in which we cope with stressors in relationships.
This week’s mantras:
I deserve happy, healthy relationships.
I am worthy of love and respect.
I will love myself.
I love you. Have a great week!
XOXO Auntie Gigi
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That’s it for me this week, pals. I love you. I hope you know that you deserve to be treated beautifully and when you’re feeling triggered, try taking a deep breath and taking some time to journal and consider your next steps before making any rash decisions. You are truly a wonder.
