S-x addiction isn't real.
You can try to come at me on this one, but this is just the way it is.
let’s talk about something that people still seem to be confused about: Sex addiction.
Sex addiction, masturbation addiction - these are not a thing. These are COMPULSIVE BEHAVIORS. Can they feel like addiction? Yes. Are they addictions? No.
Let’s begin with some basic deprogramming. The idea that masturbation is addictive, bad, wrong, and dirty is a message propagated by an anti-sex world that is really, really scared of people exploring pleasure. Why? Pleasure disrupts the classic narrative of what “sex” is and what it means. Sex is “supposed” to be penis-in-vagina intercourse. Sex is for making babies. Sex is for male pleasure and is something women are supposed to “give up” in exchange for marriage and security.
And this is all, to put it in the scientific, academic language: Bullshit.
Let’s get some things straight. Masturbation and sex are literally not addictive. An addiction is a chemical dependence on something.
The term “sexual addiction” is thrown around a lot, but its very existence is up for debate: It is not recognized as a legitimate diagnosis in the DSM-5 (the main U.S. manual for diagnosing stuff). Why? Because sexual addiction is simply not backed by science. Most experts have done away with diagnosing “sex addicts,” and those who still do are usually selling something (like a course or rehab).
With that being said, masturbation and/or partnered sex can become compulsive behavior, which can be harmful or disruptive to someone’s life. Compulsive sexual behaviors can feel like addiction if you’re really in the thick of it, but they are not addictions.
That said, it’s pretty unlikely that you’re a compulsive masturbator. This isn’t a hugely common thing and most of the time, people who think they’re compulsive masturbators “diagnose” themselves because they aren’t comfortable with their sexuality, not because they are out of control.
Here are the big questions to ask yourself:
Is masturbating or having sex negatively affecting other areas of my life?
Am I masturbating or having sex with others so much that I’ve opted out of friendships, relationships, socializing etc.?
Am I unable to have orgasms by any other means other than masturbation, and is this making me miserable?
If the answer is “yes” to any of these questions, that’s when we need to take a pause.
Only you have the answers.
A pretty dead-on sign that your masturbation habits should get a personal check-in is pain or discomfort. If you’re rubbing one out 20 times a day, experience pain and rawness, and yet continue masturbating because you “can’t stop,” you should take a minute to consider what is going on.
Someone’s habits are subjective and do not exist as universal truths.
There is a lot of nuance there, too. If you’re experiencing physical pain when you masturbate or have sex, it may have nothing to do with the amount you’re masturbating, but rather how you’re masturbating. If you’re having physical discomfort, check in with the ingredients in the toys and lubes you’re using. It could be that your skin is irritated because you’re using a lube full of toxic shit.
Here’s a fabulous and complete guide to lube so you can be sure you’re using the good stuff.
The question of when masturbation or sex can become “too much” is usually shrouded in the shame and stigma we have around masturbation and sex with multiple partners, not your masturbation habits themselves.
We can’t quantify someone’s habits because they are subjective and do not exist as universal truths for every person. There just isn’t a “normal” amount of sex someone should be having or not having. It all depends on what is normal to you and how it affects your life.
Above all, remember that pleasure is a wonderful thing and it is your god-given right. Exploring it is nothing to be ashamed of, as long as you’re staying mindful and feeling positively about it.
This week’s mantras:
Sexual pleasure is not a bad thing.
I will dare to question the status quo about my sexuality and take ownership of my choices.
I will seek outside help if I should need it.
I will love myself.
I love you. Have a great week!
XOXO Auntie G
OK, not gonna lie, I had never heard of this one - and so I was intrigued. I don’t want to tell you too much about this (apparently not new?) trend. But you should definitely give it a read. Trigger warning: A lot of bodily fluids, fun.
This piece was an intense and really interesting read. It explores the ways in which women are often expected to subject themselves to pain, discomfort, and even border-line assault in order to preserve the male ego. What struck me most was this point the author makes:
A casual survey of forums where people discuss "bad sex" suggests that men tend to use the term to describe a passive partner or a boring experience. (Here's a very unscientific Twitter poll I did that found just that.) But when most women talk about "bad sex," they tend to mean coercion, or emotional discomfort or, even more commonly, physical pain.
I was interviewed for InStyle all about the best ways to maximize a smaller penis during sex. The thing, though, penises are not even needed at all in order for sex to be good. This is something to keep in mind. Honestly, being excellent with hands, tongues, and toys goes a whole lot further with clitoris owners than a penis - big, small, medium, real, dildo, whatever.
With that being said, if you love the feeling of ~fullness~ and your partner owns a penis - this is my favorite tip ever.
Egg vibrators, like LELO's LYLA 2, are inserted into the vaginal canal and can sit up near the cervix. Adding one to partnered play can create a shallow space for your S.O.'s penis to move, points out Engle. "This will allow the vagina to feel fuller," she points out.
I’m not saying you need to give your parents sex toys, but openly acknowledging that we’re all sexual human beings benefits society.
That’s it for me this week, pals. I love you. Remember that you are such a gift to the world. You deserve all the pleasure, happiness, and joy that you can find. Whether you’re single, in a relash, or in a loottttt of relashs (serious, casual, whatever), I see you. You are a superstar.