G-Hot Q&A: How do you have great s9x when you're sober?

Tawny Lara, the Sober S9xpert, answers all your questions about sobriety and dating.

Hey babe,

We have a real treat on today’s G-Hot Q&A! Sobriety and good sex: How do they mix together?

Today we’re going to hear all about it from Tawny Lara. She is the The Sober Sexpert. She’s writing a book called Dry Humping: A Guide to Dating, and Hooking Up Without Booze (Quirk, Summer 2023).

Her work is featured in Playboy, Men’s Health, Huffington Post, and two essay collections: Sex and the Single Woman (Harper Perennial 2022) and The Addiction Diaries (LaunchPad 2020). She is the co-host of Recovery Rocks podcast and story developer for the Webby-award winning podcast, F*cking Sober.

Q: Can you tell The G-Babes a little about you and how you became "the sober sexpert?"

A: I quit drinking in 2015. Like a proper Millennial,

I blogged and Instagrammed about my journey. Connecting with other sober and sober curious people online helped me find community (I tried AA and it wasn't really my jam). 

The thought of dating in early sobriety, let alone having sex without alcohol scared the hell out of me. So I wanted to dig deep into learning about "liquid courage." The journalist in me became fascinated with learning about the role alcohol plays in sex and dating, so I turned those rabbit hole searches into #content. I get tons of DMs and emails from people (sober folks looking for guidance in the dating world and "normies" who want to drink a bit less or not at all on dates)

Tawny Lara

A few years ago, I did a live podcast event about Sober Sex with Ruby Warrington, the woman who created the term Sober Curious. She introduced me as The Sober Sexpert, and the name stuck!

((Full disclosure, I have no formal training as a sex educator. Everything I share comes from personal experience, therapy, and nerding out as a journalist.))

Q: How has sobriety changed your sex life?

A: My sexual liberation is inextricably linked to my sobriety. Once I stopped comparing my relationship with alcohol to other people’s relationships with alcohol, I could finally see how damaging my drinking habits were. Once I removed that boozy hurdle, I could finally educate myself on queerness, stop faking orgasms (*cringe!*), and learn about what I really like in bed. 

I also learned that when I drank alcohol to numb my anxiety, it numbed my body, too, which meant that I wasn't feeling maximum pleasure. I thought drunk sex was fun and uninhibited, but I've since learned that we need inhibitions to feel safe.

Tawny Lara

Sexual liberation can mean anything from exploring kink, to coming to terms with your sexuality or gender identity, to embracing the fact that you love vanilla sex. You don’t have to be outside the mainstream to be liberated, as long as you’re getting in touch with your genuine desires! The point of sober sexual liberation is to free yourself from the societal expectations of what sex "should" be. Turns out I don’t need alcohol to tap into my sexual self!

Q: Any advice you'd give to people who are sober and newly approaching dating and sex?

A: Spend time alone—even if you have a partner(s)! This can mean taking a creative class, exercising, cooking, masturbating, or all of the above. Getting to know the real you without the boozy façade can be equally empowering and terrifying, but it's 100% worth it. You'll build confidence while learning a lot about yourself that you can share on dates or with your partner(s). That's a great way to build organic connections as opposed to "let's grab drinks!" That confidence can show up in the bedroom, too!

I spent a lot of time in early sobriety dating myself, reconnecting with my body and mind. Learning about what I like sexually helped me understand myself even more. It also gave me the confidence to (a) ask for what I want in bed from others and (b) realize that I *deserve* pleasure. I no longer need liquid courage now that I've embraced my intrinsic courage! 

Also, have fun with herbal aphrodisiacs!

Q: Tell us about your new book, Dry Humping. What made you want to write it?

A: Dry Humping: a Guide to Dating, Relating, and Hooking Up is the guidebook I needed in early sobriety when dating without booze seemed nearly impossible. It's written from an alcohol-free perspective (as opposed to a "recovery" perspective), so it's approachable to people whether they're in recovery for 20 years or they're experimenting with a dry month. It's filled with booze-free date ideas, sober intimacy tips, interviews with other alcohol-free people, mental health professionals, sex educators, porn stars, and more. My goal in writing this book is to normalize sober dating and sober sex without making people feel like they have to quit drinking. Follow me @tawnymlara since pre-orders will be available soon!

Q: Anything else you think the G-Babes should know about sex and sobriety in this wild, wild world?

A: The deeper I get into this work, the more I learn that the Sober Sex conversation resonates with most people, even if they're "normies" (people who have a healthy relationship with alcohol). Hinge released a study in June of 2022 where they interviewed 3,000 Gen Z (born between 1997 and 2012) and Millennial (born between 1981 and 1996) global participants about what they’re looking for in a date. It turns out that 75% of Gen Z and Millennial singles are looking for a first date that’s not just “going to get a drink,” and two thirds say a drunk date is a dealbreaker. Dry dating is even more popular among younger people— Gen Z folks are 46% more likely to prefer an alcohol-free date than their Millennial counterparts. More than half of respondents said they were interested in dry dating because they wanted to form a genuine connection.

I'd be remiss if I didn't briefly discuss the intersection of sexual assault and alcohol. The term ‘date rape drug’ may make people think of Rohypnol (roofies), gamma-hydroxybutyricacid (GHB), or ketamine slipped into someone’s drink. But people seem to ignore that alcohol is usually the drink those drugs are slipped into, making alcohol the most common date rape drug. Research shows that up to 3 out of 4 attackers had been drinking alcohol when they sexually assaulted someone and about half of the sexual assault victims had been drinking. Alcohol is also known to make men more aggressive and women more passive — a dangerous, potentially lethal combination.  The #MeToo movement shines a much-needed light on alcohol and sexual assault with cases like Brock Turner and Brett Kavanaugh.

I hope you enjoyed this month’s G-Hot Q&A! Being sober it totally fabulous, if that is your journey. We don’t need substances to have great sex!

This week’s mantras:

1. I deserve pleasure.

2. I deserve to have the sex life I want.

3. I control my destiny and get to make my own choices about my happiness and pleasure.

I love you. Have a great week!

XOXO Auntie Gigi

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That’s it for me this week, pals. I love you. Happiness looks really cute on you, baby.