The worst dating advice I've ever seen.
It's an educators job to give sound relationship advice and understand the nuance of s*xuality, not tell people to settle for what they can get.
Hello unicorn babycakes,
You know, the week of (and just after) Valentine’s Day is an interesting opportunity to see the kind of relationship and sex advice well-known educators give to the masses. It’s a hot time for love content.
Last week, as I was taking my first sip of coffee, still in bed, half-awake, scrolling through Twitter, I came across a mental-nugget of solid gold-plated shit from none other than world famous sexual “hero",” Dr. Ruth.
This advice: Fucking. Sucks.
Using disappointment to fuel your search for a partner suggests (and not even subtly), that you should be willing to settle for anyone who is willing to date you in order to not be alone. What the actual fuck? This advice upholds everything that is wrong with our (very annoying) cultural priority of “being in a relationship” as the ultimate status symbol of social value. That’s just bullshit. Being in a relationship does not make you special. Being “coupled up” does not make you better than anyone else, no matter how smug you might feel.
Not to mention that being single is amazing for many people - people often choose to be single and have a wonderful support network of friends, family, and lovers. Lots of people enjoy being on their own, star-fishing the hell out of their bed and sharing their dessert with absolutely no one. These people have every right to do this and even if it’s not what YOU personally want, it doesn’t make it less valid.
Single Twitter agreed with me on this and it was glorious to read the responses - all of which can be boiled down to: What the fuck, Dr. Ruth? I am single and FABULOUS.
Being in a relationship is not the gold standard. This thinking is toxic, outdated, and extremely unhelpful. A lot of relationships are complete shit. It takes a warrior, someone with a lot of strength, to walk away from an abusive, toxic, or just plain crap situation in a culture that places such a high premium on “having someone.” It’s nauseating that we treat single people like they’re not good enough on their own.
Finding your “other half” suggests that you’re not whole on your own. And you are. There is no better “half.” You are a complete, valuable person with or without a partner. I’m truly sorry if anyone has made you feel otherwise, myself included (I’ve fucked up many times over the years because I too am actively unlearning messages from a culture of “coupledom”).
It’s also gross that people settle for partners who are garbage because they’d rather have bad sex once a month with someone they can barely tolerate than have to bear their mom questioning why they’re “still single.” It’s not gross of THEM to stay, it’s gross of US because we’re the culture that has pigeonholed single people (especially women) into being either Wives or Spinsters. We’ve given people little choice in the matter and that’s horrifying.
Another sex educator (whom I love) pointed out that they were surprised to hear this bad advice from Dr. Ruth. She is, after all, a mega-famous sex educator who was a true revolutionary and champion for sexuality, female sexuality in particular, in the 80s on onward.
BUT she’s also refused to update her thinking since then. For instance, when the cultural conversation about consent and what it means have “revokable consent” began to take off around 2014-ish, she also said this completely fucked up thing:
Dr. Ruth, appearing on the Diane Rehm Show, elaborated on her stance on this saying:
I am very worried about college campuses saying that a woman and a man or two men or two women, but I talk right now about woman and man, can be in bed together, Diane, and at one time, naked, and at one time, he or she — most of the time they think she can say, I changed my mind. No such thing is possible.
To be perfectly, crystal clear, this is rape apology. It is victim blaming. What she’s saying is: Rape is bad, but if you got naked with someone and they rape you, well you shouldn’t have gotten naked with them in the first place! Tis a pity she is a whore!
And this dangerous, fucked up stance on consent is what I mean when I say Dr. Ruth has been unwilling to change her views on sexuality as the times have changed. She has not taken up new information. She’s basically a crotchety old sex educator who’s like: Ho-hum, youngsters, I was a revolutionary of my time, who are you to question my advice?
The thing is: This kind of thinking is not only backward and really off-putting, when it comes to sex, it’s downright unethical. It is a sex educator’s job to be constantly learning, updating, rethinking, and interrogating their own beliefs.
Dr. Ruth’s lack of self-reflection can be a teachable moment for all of us. As Ness Cooper says above, it’s a moment for anyone interested in sex and relationships to remember that the conversation is always changing. Our understanding is always changing. And we must change along with it.
I am not some shining star, either. I’ve written and said some things I wish I could take back. But I’m willing to learn and take ownership of my mistakes. I once wrote an article about how “size matters” when it comes to penises. That was a stupid thing to write and I regret it. I still take shit for it to this day (as I should). I own the mistake. I’ve educated myself. I’ve moved on.
As sex educators, our audiences deserve this constant shaking up of our ideologies so they can continue to trust in us. It’s important work, but it is changing every single day and we better keep up if we want to be good at what we do.
And you know what? I do appreciate the work Dr. Ruth has done in this field. I do understand how her teachings changed the world and helped people gain a better knowledge of their sexuality. I can hold space for my reverence of her willingness her sexual-pioneering - while also saying that it’s time for her to shut the fuck up and stop tweeting.
This week’s mantras:
Single does not mean “failure.”
Wanting a relationship is valid. Not wanting a relationship is valid.
I deserve the love that I desire, not the love someone else thinks I should desire.
I will not settle for an “OK” relationship because I’m afraid to be alone.
I will love myself.
I love you. Have a great week and stay sexy!
XOXO Auntie Gigi
~Good ReadSsSsSsSss~
Eat Pussy Like a Pro With These 18 Oral Sex Tips
For Men’s Health, I explored all things oral sex and how to not be horrible at it. Eating out, licking out, cunnilingus, oral sex: whatever you prefer to call it, eating pussy f*cking rocks. In fact, oral sex is widely known as the most reliable way to give a person with a vulva the big O. Studies consistently show that the vast majority of vulva-owners require clitoral stimulation in order to have an orgasm, and oral sex puts the clit front and center. This is just science.
6 Tips to Masturbate When You Have a Vagina
Speaking of getting off reliably, this guide to masturbation from Lioness was really interesting and fun to read.
A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away (like, literally when Episode III came out), there was a study that examined masturbation practices in the United States. That study showed that—at the time—38% of the women involved in the study ever masturbated over the past year.
Since then, pornography use has continued to rise among women and sex toys dedicated to those of us with clitorises and vaginas are continuing to hone in on the various things we find physically pleasurable.
So, if you’re wondering if masturbation is normal, the answer is an enthusiastic YES.
ARTICLE BY: LIONESS
How to Use a Dildo
In another Men’s Health classic, I go into truly thorough detail into dildo usage and how you can bring one into your sexual play in hella creative ways. One big misconception about the phallic-shaped sex toy is that it's only for people with vaginas. The truth is, dildos are an egalitarian sex toy that anyone can enjoy, regardless of genitals, gender, sexual orientation, or whether you're getting it on solo or with a partner.
The Lonely State of Getting Over Someone You Never Dated
We rarely give space for emotions that aren’t “supposed” to exist because we’re supposed to be “super cool and chill” all the time. Well, emotions don’t exist in a contained way. They are fucking messy. They can’t be parsed out like when dig through the chargers that match up to your various sex toys. In this very personal story from Rachel Thompson, she gives weight to this state of existence, of heartbreak, that we’re so often told doesn’t even exist.
ARTICLE BY: Rachel Thompson for Mashable
You Don’t Need to Pick a Sexual Label If You Don’t Want To
I’m regularly assigned pieces designed to help people understand different labels we use in sexuality. For instance this one on Pansexual and Bisexual for Men’s Health a few weeks ago. But when I was doing research for this article, something one of my experts, Tina North, a polyamorous, pansexual educator, stuck with me.
Gender is a patriarchal social construct with limited language. As we have moved forward more language has developed to include other identities. The confusion probably exists because Pansexual is a newer more inclusive term for genders that didn’t have a name before, like non-binary or gender nonconforming.
This article by Leah Mensche articulates the point I touched on in my article, but wasn’t able to fully interrogate due to word count and such: You actually don’t need to pick a label(s), like, at all. You don’t. That’s your choice. And it’s a beautiful one.
ARTICLE BY: Leah Mensch for Pitt News
Something pretty to brighten your Monday:
~ASK GIGI~
Ask Gigi: The Truth About Porn
Porn is a form of entertainment. It was not designed to teach you about sex education. Since we have such poor sex education in the world (other than in the Netherlands) and sexuality is still so deeply stigmatized, porn can become the default way we learn about sex. This isn’t porn’s fault, it’s society’s fault.
That’s it from me, cuties. I love you very much and don’t forget to be yourself, even when people say it’s not good enough - and by “people” I mostly mean you talking to yourself. You’re so hot and I’m so proud of you.
Don’t forget to share The G-Spot with a friend, if it was good for you, too.
