Everything you've ever want to know about 'unicorns' and 3sums.
And why the term is so controversial.
[This newsletter will always be free to read, but it’s also how I supplement bills and such - which allows me the flexibility to bring you the best possible sex education every week. So, if you like what you read, please consider a paid subscription.]
Hey babe,
Firstly, if you haven’t voted for me in the XBiz Awards — please do! It would mean the world to me. I cannot believe I was nominated for Sexpert of the Year!
Anywayyyyy,
Let’s talk about unicorns in threesomes because there is a lot to unpack when it comes to this term — and what it means.
What even is a unicorn?
A unicorn is a third person who comes into a threesome. This term usually refers to a cis-female, bisexual person, but it applies to queer people and all relationships, too. A unicorn is the outside person entering into the couple’s domain in order to experience a threesome.
The term is controversial, but some people may adore the term. And, still, others really do not like it. It does not work for everyone.Â
Whether you love it or hate it, the important thing is that you treat someone like a human being deserving of sexual fulfillment and respect rather than as a sex doll who you can use and then toss out like garbage once you and/or your partner orgasm.
The appeal of being a unicorn (for people who love it).
A unicorn experience can be a really fun and emotionally safe way to have a threesome. You're coming into a couple that is already established, meaning you're just there to have some fun. This is appealing because sometimes you want to have a sexual experience without all the emotional messiness that comes with dating. Now, with that being said, these situations do still have the potential to get messy so it's important that all parties involved are voicing their needs and concerns openly so that everyone can have the best experience possible. We all deserve to have our boundaries respected and our needs met.
The appeal of having threesomes.
Threesomes are an exciting way to explore sexually together. They give you an opportunity to try something new, with someone new. This can be very exciting. It can even increase the desire you have for your partner, post-threesome because people crave novelty and excitement. It can get the NRE flowing again.
Why the term unicorn is considered controversial.
The negative connotations come out of 'assumed couple privilege.' This is when a couple doesn't really have respect or care for the person having the threesome with them. They treat them like a plaything rather than a human. This is absolutely not OK. What we need to understand is the unicorn is here to have fun just like you are. They are a guest, not someone you can use and then toss away. All people need to be treated with respect. if you don't think you can handle that level of care and intimacy, you are not ready for a threesome.
How to find a unicorn.
While some threesomes can be spontaneous after a night out, most are found via dating apps. And there are ones specifically designed for people looking for alternative relationship-styles and hookups: Check out the apps like Feeld, 3Fun, #Open, and more. When it comes to drawing up a profile, be open and honest about what you’re looking for. If you’re in a couple, write it together, being clear about what you’re looking to get out of the experience. When it comes to sex, you do not want to be sketchy or cagey about what you’re after. Be truthful and you’ll be rewarded.
5 tips for couples looking to engage a third person for a "healthy" unicorn relationship.
1. Get to the roots of your desire for a threesome.
Figure out why you want to do this in the first place. Often what we fantasize about is NOT the same IRL. And y’all have to be prepared for that.
2. Get clear about what you want.
Many couples looking to find a third are heterosexual. And this can be a problem. Figure out what you want and don’t want before heading into this, because otherwise you’re going to find yourself in a sticky situation (and not in a good way).
3. Communicate and understand your boundaries, but be flexible and willing to negotiate.
It’s OK to have boundaries. We all need those, right? But these should be flexible to a certain extent.Be sure to be open to your unicorns boundaries -- as well as your own -- and this is the same for your desires during the threesome. It’s OK for couples to make their intentions and desires clear, but never pressure a third to play. Consent and mindfulness of boundaries must be a constant at every turn. And some of this means being able to take feedback.
4. Be respectful.
Having a threesome that is ethically sound involves everyone having an equal say in what happens (or doesn’t happen) during the threesome. Everyone’s pleasure should be of equal priority. You third should be treated like a valued guest. This means you need to be respectful and kind.
5. Have a plan for aftercare.
Aftercare is important for all parties involved. Aftercare is when all parties convene and calm down after an intense sexual experience. This will look different for everyone, but it’s important that everyone feels safe, happy and secure once the sex has ended.
If you want to be extra classy, order your third an Uber home after playtime, and walk them to the car.
This week’s mantras:
Everyone deserves respect.
Everyone deserves to have their boundaries understood.
I will love myself.
I love you. Have a great week!
XOXO Auntie Gigi
~Good ReadsSsSssSsSs~
Speaking of threesomes, this Sexplain It column from Zachary Zane had me reeling. You have to get clear about boundaries before having a threesome. The best line: I’m just imagining if two guys hit me up to come over for a threesome, and I thought I was getting railed, so I ate light all day and spent an hour douching—and then when I got there, they informed me that they just wanted me to blow them. I'd be pretty frustrated! (Though I'd still do it, obviously.) Deceased. Read more. - MEN’S HEALTH
Ever heard of the Full Nelson? The acrobatic sex move—which puts the receiver's body on full display for the viewer—is a “porn classic. And it’s pretty obvious why: it's hot to watch. But do you need pornstar-level sex skills to actually do it? The answer may NOT surprise you. But for real, if you want to actually pull this off, read this piece from MH. Read more. - MEN’S HEALTH
I loved this Can We Talk? column from Refinery29. A reader wants to know how to reduce anxiety during sex, how their trans identity plays into their anxiety around sex, and if they may be asexual. I really enjoyed the advice — it was very gentle and thought-provoking! Read more. - REFINERY29
Weekly LOL
Look, IKYKIK.
That’s it for me this week, pals. I love you. Everyone in every sexual dynamic deserves respect and humanity. It shouldn’t be too much to ask!
