What does it mean to be 'grayseggsual'?

Everything you want to know about this seggsual orientation.

Jan 15, 2024

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Hey babe,

Let’s break down graysexuality. Because we could all do with a lesson in this unique and totally valid sexual orientation.

What does it mean to be graysexual?

'Graysexual' is a term to describe people who identify as being on the asexual spectrum but don’t consider themselves to be strictly asexual. It's a spectrum, meaning they may experience sexual feelings in certain contexts. This often happens quite rarely. The term is intentionally broad to to include the people who fall somewhere between asexual and sexual.

They might experience sexual attraction once in a while, under certain circumstances or with certain partners, but largely don’t. The way your graysexuality will appear is very subjective and is entirely unique to you.

The difference between being gray and demi.

People who identify as demisexual describe only experiencing sexual attraction after they’ve formed a close (often committed) emotional bond with someone. This is different from only feeling sexual attraction on rare occasions. Demisexuality is really built out of context and usually means you need to have already formed a romantic attachment to someone in order to experience sexual attraction.

Both demi and gray fall on the ace-spectrum. In demisexuality, the person is experiencing secondary attraction. This means it is built out of the bond, rather than on more primary forms of attraction, such as physical traits. In graysexuality, you only experience sexual attraction sometimes, but this attraction isn't dependent on the bond with another person.

You might be graysexual if you experience sexual attraction only very rarely or under very specific circumstances.

Myths and misconeptions.

Many of the misconceptions around graysexuality are very much the same as those that aseual people deal with. It can be assumed that they really are sexual but that they’re 'going through a phase' or that they haven't found the right person yet. Despite these misconceptions, it's important to understand that both asexuality and graysexuality are sexual orientations.

Another myth that sometimes comes up is that people who are asexual or graysexual can’t enjoy sex under any circumstances. They actually can, and some graysexual people may even choose to seek out sexual touch. There is a difference between enjoying sex and not experiencing sexual attraction. Asexual and graysexual people may enjoy sex itself without experiencing sexual attraction.

Advice and resources.

Remember that you are valid and have every right to exist in the world just as you are. People are often cruel, but you deserve to be your true self. Surround yourself with friends and chosen family that affirm your identity. Remember that you do not need to stay in relationships where people deny who you are. Be brave in setting boundaries that feel healthy and authentic to you.

I strongly recommend checking out the Asexuality Network. They're doing amazing work and can provide a lot of helpful information. I also recommend following Asexual influencers on Instagram and TikTok. They really shed light on a lot of myths and misconceptions surrounding asexuality and the full spectrum of ace identities.

How graysexuality presents in relationships.

Graysexuallity often presents in relationships as rarely experiencing sexual attraction. This may look like not wanting to engage in sexual activities, only seeking sex out on rare occasions, or only engaging in solo sex. This can prove difficult if you're in a relationship with an allo-sexual person. If this is the case for you, I recommend seeking out a GSRD-accredited sex and relationships therapist (like me) to help you and your partner work through your relational issues and find workable solutions.

This week’s mantras:

I am valid.
I deserve to have sex or not have sex in the ways that bring me joy.
I will love myself.

I love you. Have a great week!

XOXO Auntie Gigi

I was on the Stop Faking It Podcast this week!

I popped by comedian Emily Bracey’s podcast: Stop Faking It to give all my best tips for keeping things hot and spicey in LTRs <33

Listen on Spotify

~Good ReadsSsSssSsSs~

I loved this week’s column in How to Do It, where a reader is frustrated his girlfriend doesn’t want “sex” in the ways they used to have it — following a traumatizing vaginal prolapse. The advice here was measured and really responsible. Basically, you can’t expect someone to bend to your will. We need to rethink what “sex” actually means to us and have empathy for our partners. Read more. - SLATE
Prostate orgasms? You know they’re the best. But did you know they can actually help prevent cancer? Yes, it’s true! I gave all the info to Metro on how to get your p-spot involved to improve health (and pleasure). Read more. - METRO
Y’all are always always always asking me for my favorite sex toy brands. So, if you’re curious what really makes my fav list, check out this piece where I gave all my secrets to GQ. Read more. - GQ
Did you know that fingering is making a BIG come back in 2024? Not even kidding. Fingering is a great way to get the much-needed clitoral stimulation needed to give people with vulvas orgasms. When it comes to vaginal stimulation, your digits offer unique qualities. Many people have more control over how to use our fingers than a toy. Plus, your fingers have lots of nerve endings, which makes them very good at feeling where things are and touching vulvas in very specific ways. Read more. - METRO