Understanding the dark nature of 'withholding s*x.'
Understanding the dark nature of 'withholding s*x.'
Withholding is completely different from not having s*x or not reciprocating feelings of love or affection. Withholding is much more sinister.
Hey unicorn babe,
I hope you’re having a good start to your week. Trump’s impeached again, eh? What a world. It’s nice to know after so much bullshit that he (and others) are being held accountable (to some degree, at least) for being a complete trash-bag of a person. I’m not one of those people who’s like “Kamala HaRrriSs is my MOM and Joe Biden is my PAaaAAapAAA!” but I’m here for this progressive change. I can feel the tides turning all the way in Londontown.
Sending love and positive energy to you, wherever you are.
It’s been a HIGH anxiety week for me. My insomnia is back in full-force and I’m having somewhat of an existential crisis about my career future. Why is it that women are always made to feel like they’re not good enough and need to do more? It’s fucking exhausting. Hopefully I’ll have updates soon - positive updates - about what’s next for me. It’s scary feeling like you’re always one wrong decision away from ruining your life, huh?
Let’s change lanes. Sometimes your auntie G just needs to get really dark. And we’re gonna go there today, babe.
I want to chat today about the idea of withholding, specifically when it comes to sex. Withholding is not the same as not having sex for personal reasons (we all have reasons we don’t have sex sometimes) nor is withholding not sharing someone’s feelings of love or affection. Withholding is different. It is when someone is using sex as a weapon. It is psychological abuse.
I decided to bring this up in today’s G-Spot because of a letter I received from a reader this week that I felt needed addressing on the larger scale:
Dear Gigi,
I was in a relationship up until recently. She broke up with me after a long back-and-forth about wanting to be with me. She would go through periods of wanting nothing to do with me, rejecting me in every single way and then the next day she’d demand to see my phone and insist I was cheating on her. What really got to me in the end was our sex life. She knew sex was important to me and so she would deliberately hold it over my head. To her, I either wanted it too much one day or the next I didn’t want it enough. Either way, there was very little sex in the relationship. I’m wondering, am I an asshole for thinking she used sex to manipulate me? And why do I miss her so much??
-E
E, if you’re reading this, no, you’re not an asshole for thinking your ex was using sex in a destructive way.
Sex is a powerful thing. To me, consensual sex is one of the most profound expressions of our humanity. And while sex has the potential to be full of pleasure and joy, it can also be violent. In extreme cases, sexual violence takes the form of assault or rape. But there are less clear ways sex can be used in violent way. In a physical sense, assault may be coerced sex or a boundary violation.
On an emotional level, sexual violence can take many forms. Today we’re going to focus on withholding. If you’d like me to address other forms of sexually-based emotional violence in future, email me!
Withholding is sexual violence because the withholder is using sex to get someone to do something (or not do something) they want, without the other person’s consent. This is abusive. Sex turns from a beautiful way we express ourselves in a place of love, into something violent, when consent is absent.
I’m not talking about not being in the mood for sex, not having sex for personal or political reasons etc., I’m talking about actively having the intent to use to sex as a tool for your emotional gain, to the detriment of your partner.
Why would someone do this? Are they evil or what?
No. A person who uses withholding as a form of partner punishment is not evil. They may not even be aware of how harmful their behavior is. People who behave in this way do so because they are deeply traumatized from their early experiences of what it means to be sexual. Sexuality has not been something safe. Love has not been something safe. They may have a history of abuse, an absent parent, an unstable household etc.
Our romantic attachment styles are greatly influenced by trauma and it’s only through deep personal courage and a crapload of therapy that we can even heal these wounds.
Does this sound familiar? Maybe you’ve done this in the past, or maybe you know someone who has dealt with this issue and wasn’t sure what it all meant.
What’s more, and something that disturbs to my bones, is that the act of withholding falls within the context of our toxic understanding of gender roles.
The social script plays out this way: A partner (male) wants sex. His partner (female) decides to give over the sex. She is giving and he is taking.
In this frame of thinking, sexual pleasure (and orgasm) is for the male and it is a reward given to him by the female (who presumably doesn’t enjoy it).
This socially scripted understanding of sex is deeply embedded within us from the time we have conscious thought. This shit runs deep, pals. Even in the most liberal, wildly sex-positive homes, we are not free from the influence of screens, of pop culture, of stick thin models with perfect skin trying to sell us shit we don’t need.
My point, little unicorn babe, is this: withholding is not an act of power. It is an act of struggle. It is a painful manifestation of someone’s inability to form stable, secure attachments with partners. And it is not your fault.
This week’s mantras:
I am whole. I am worthy of love.
I am deserving of equal love. I deserve the love I want.
I will love myself.
I love you. Have a great week.
XOXO Auntie G
~Good readSsSssSS~
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ARTICLE BY: Abigail Moss for VICE UK
What BDSM Can Teach Us About Consent
For The Body this week I explored how the kink community is leading the way in conversations about consent. You may think that kinky people are all leather-clad daddies, donning custom harnesses in the underbelly of a dungeon somewhere, beating up some poor sod chained to the floor, but you couldn’t be more wrong. Well, yeah—sometimes leather-clad daddies smack around a submissive chained to the floor, but that’s not all kink is: It’s about trust, boundaries, and above all, consent.
A Beginners Guide to Mutual Masturbation
Masturbating together is also a low-stakes way to make sure you both have a good time safely if you’re getting to know someone new. “Mutual masturbation, from a sexual health perspective, cannot transmit STIs [if each person is only touching their own body]," said Alexandria Williams, founder of the sexual health blog Sexology Bae.
Mutual masturbation is one of my favorite things in the world. Sex can be a “lot” sometimes, and having a way to both orgasm and feel connected to your partner in a low-effort way can be highly appealing. Orgasms are good for you. Have them in whatever way works for you!
ARTICLE BY: Sofia Barrett-Ibarria for VICE
You’re Not Broken, Your Needs Are Just Unmet
Walking around thinking we aren’t worthy of love, commitment or fidelity can have us shooting ourselves in the foot with the first person who gives us any attention or validation we need. Because of having unmet needs, we’ve learned to wear rose-colored lenses that camouflage the red flags.
I often tell clients that our hearts want what we give it. Meaning, we look for the love we think we deserve and we crave the kind of love we give ourselves, whether it be healthy or unhealthy. If you’re interested in attachment theory, this read is a must.
ARTICLE BY: Annie Tanasugarn, PhD for Hello, Love
How Sex Can Change for The Better After Having Kids
For Self & More this week, I explored sexual health post-baby. When you first become parents, there is a big adjustment period. It’s no longer you and your partner getting freaky on a Tuesday just because you can, it’s now more about waking up at 5am for feedings. As little ones get bigger (and start running around) they can become even more exhausting. But I can promise you that becoming a parent doesn’t mean your sex life is over. It doesn’t even need to mean it has to get worse.
Do Orgasms Lead to Glowing Skin?
A tweet thread of mine was picked up The Indian Express wherein I explained how having regular orgasms can lead to a better complexion. They decided to do an investigation based on said tweets … which made me feel extremely cool and way more famous than I am. They asked a dermatologist to weigh in and found that orgasms do, in fact, make your skin better. Listen to your auntie G, unicorns.
~Vibe of the week~
~ASK GIGI~
What Do It Mean to Be Demisexual?
Demisexuality has been on the rise in search engines these days. Maybe you think you might be demisexual, maybe someone you like has told you they are demisexual and you’re trying to understand it so you can be an empathetic partner, or maybe you’re just a curious cat who wants to know more. Either way, we should talk about what it means to identify as a demisexual.
Well, that’s it from me this week, unicorn. Remember to stand up, stretch, and release the tension from your pelvic floor. Have lots of water and make yourself come before you go to bed.
I love you. See you next Monday!
