Where do our k!nks come from?

The path to self-acceptance begins with curiosity about our desires.

Jun 15, 2026

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Hey babe,

have never once done an interview about kink without being asked where our kinks and fetishes come from. People really do want to know this. Is it something you’re born with? Do they develop? Is it because of some horrid trauma I experienced in early life? And on and on with such queries. Well, let’s talk about it because understanding ourselves better is how we better dispel shame around our sexual preferences and have more fulfilling experiences.

The main difference between a kink and a fetish comes down to the level of intensity. Knowing the difference between whether you have a kink or a fetish is important because they come with different levels of “need.”

Kinks = preferences.

Fetishes = requirements.

There is definitely a healthy bit of crossover. Someone might have a love of feet, for instance, but it’s really on the level of “interest.” They may love having feet be a part of kinky experiences, but they don’t NEED it. Someone else might also have an interest in feet and without their inclusion, an erotic experience just isn’t up to par or, perhaps, even arousing at all. That’s the big difference here.

Getting clear on definitions matters because it helps us understand our relationship to our specific desires. While most people don’t care about definitions in the bedroom, the difference between a kink and a fetish matters for how you approach these acts in your sex life and personal relationships. Think about it for a sec: A partner is probably going to want to know if wearing high heels during sex is something they need to do on occasion for your enjoyment, or if this is something you’ll need all the time. It helps us figure out our boundaries and what we are or are not willing to engage with.

If the object or act is necessary, it’s a fetish. If it’s optional, it’s a kink. Knowing the difference allows you to communicate more clearly so that you and your partner can co-create a plan for your sex life moving forward.

Where do kinks and fetishes come from?

There have been two main schools of thoughts around how sexual preferences primarily develop: Social conditioning and genetic inheritance. Fetishes are now widely considered to be developed through conditioning. Fetishes often form because we link arousal with a certain object or act.

For instance, someone with a foot and stocking fetish may find she became highly enamored with stockings and shoes when she was five, stealing them from parents’ friends and hiding them in her room. She may not have associated it with being anything sexual at first, but soon realized that the stockings actually produced a sexual charge or excited feeling in her body. This sexual charge associated with stockings then followed her into adulthood. And now, here she is, with a stocking fetish.

You may also develop a fetish or kink through “classical or Pavlovian conditioning, in which something that was previously neutral, such as feet, becomes arousing through repeated pairings with sexual activity,” Dr. Justin Lehmiller, a research fellow at The Kinsey Institute and host of the Sex and Psychology Podcast told me in an interview for my book, Kink Curious, a while back. This means you begin to associate feet (and/or feet adjacent items) with sexual arousal, after prolonged and repeated exposure.

Additionally, a fetish can develop out of a genuine love of a certain object/body part in adulthood. A perfectly healthy foot fetish can be born out of someone finding joy and arousal in having their feet rubbed or played with as an adult. And suddenly, they have a thing for feet.

Hey, it happens. Humans are wild like that.

And yes, kinks and fetishes are perfectly normal and healthy. We’re creative, us humans. It should only be assumed we’re going to have creative sexual imaginations.

Some helpful guidance in talking to a partner about your kinks and/or fetishes.

While we’re on the subject of fetishes, let’s look at how we might start thinking about broaching these conversations with partners.

Open and honest communication is absolutely necessary to having fruitful conversations with your partner. It’s perfectly normal to be nervous and scared. It’s a very vulnerable thing to bring to someone. Asking for empathy and acknowledging how hard it is to be forthright about your kinks or fetishes can help set you up for success.

In order to have conversations in a productive manner with our partners, we need to develop our communication skills around discussing sensitive topics. “This involves going slow, building trust, and carefully planting seeds for fruitful conversations.

Here are some examples of how you might approach this conversation with a partner so you can walk away from today’s newsletter feeling a bit more prepared:

Have you ever had any interesting fantasies around sex? I’d love to talk about them with you.
Our erotic life is really important to me. I’d love it if we could start having some discussions about expanding our play and figuring out what we’re both into. Would you be open to that?
Would you be open to hearing about something I’m quite interested in sexually? I think it could be a fun conversation. And I’d love to hear your thoughts on fantasy, too!

All in all, kinks and fetishes are a normal and healthy part of human sexual expression and we can learn to integrate them into our sex and erotic lives with a little care and compassion. And a LOT of self-understanding and acceptance.

This week’s mantras:

My desires deserve curiosity instead of judgment.
My sexual interests might have an origin story, but that doesn’t make them bad.
I will love myself.

I love you. Have a great week!

XOXO Auntie Gigi

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