I asked experts why BDSM can make you feel high as a kite.
Subspace is a state of total bliss, babes.
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Hey babe,
While the dress up and role play aspects of BDSM are a hella good time, there is also appealing psychological side to kinky sex. It can help us feel grounded, heal from past experiences, and bond with our partner(s).
In fact, kink is often used as a practice for mental and emotional wellbeing, much in the same way we use meditation. It offers a chance to step out of your everyday life, adopt a persona, and even enter an altered mental state—which is where the concept of "subspace" comes in.
I got the lowdown from some of the world leading expert to break it down for my G-babes. Let’s do it.
What is subspace?
Subspace refers to an altered mental state that people enter while in the role of the submissive within a Dominant/submissive BDSM dynamic. It's "kind of like being in a trance," Moushumi Ghose, MFT, a licensed sex therapist explains to me via email.
The experience of subspace is unique to each person, meaning different people may feel it differently. According to Ghose, “the feeling may be one of euphoria, giddiness, [a] complete loss of feeling, dizziness, and incoherence.” Dr. Celina Criss, a Certified Sex Coach specializing in BDSM and Gender, Sexual and Romantic Diversity (GSRD), tells me that the state of subspace is often one of pure bliss.
Subspace can be so relaxing that many subs actively chase it with partners they trust. The Dom sets the stage for subspace by creating a scene for the sub, in which they can experience their desired BDSM activities, whether that means impact play, bondage, sensation play, or something else.
Why does subspace happen?
Subspace is an altered state of consciousness triggered by the chemicals that our brain releases during BDSM play—including dopamine, adrenaline, and oxytocin. These feel-good hormones “affect a person's experience of sensation (pleasure/pain), their connection to their partner, and their overall interaction with the space around them,” Criss says.
Dopamine is the body’s reward chemical. When we’re experiencing something highly intense in BDSM, dopamine is sent through the body, which can create a sense of euphoria. We’re also flooded with oxytocin; nicknamed the "love hormone, it's been shown to create relaxation, bonding, and a reduction in pain.
Adrenaline is the hormone released when our body detects a threat and experiences a “fight or flight” response. Fight-or-flight might not sound super hot, but it’s been shown that fear and pleasure are actually quite closely related in the brain. This is why we get such a thrill from watching scary movies or going on roller coasters—or taking on a submissive role in a BDSM scene.
Another hormone released during this kind of play? Cortisol, a hormone that helps regulate your body's response to stress. A 2008 review of two studies found that this hormone was highly elevated for participants who were receiving stimulation, bound, or (consensually) following orders during BDSM play.
How do I get into subspace?
While subspace can happen during any D/s play, the more intense your submersion is into your roles and the more intense the play is, the more likely you are to get there. Since pain play is on the more intense end of the sensation spectrum, this type of play is most likely to activate subspace, Ghose says.
A deep connection with your partner will also help you get into subspace, Criss adds.
Entering subspace is about being able to fully let go—which will happen easily if you have a fully negotiated plan in place (more on that below).
The plan should make “you feel safe in surrendering your physical and mental power,” Julieta Chiaramonte, a kink instructor, tells me.
The more you feel safe and cared for by your Dom, the more you'll have the ability to set yourself free. Chiaramonte gives an example using rope play: “Being tied up with ropes, you may finally fall into subspace if you drop into your binds vs. trying to resist them. [This means] feeling full trust for your partner to carry you through this experience.”
How can I tell if my partner is in subspace?
If you’re playing with kink, it’s important to know what subspace looks like, because you'll want to take certain precautions if so.
The tricky thing is, the way subspace manifests varies from person to person.
The Dominant partner may observe their submissive partner looking totally blissed out, peaceful, or seemingly incoherent. Criss says subspace may be silent, or the sub may make some noise. As part of that pre-sex conversation, it's a good idea to discuss what subspace looks like for you, so your Dominant partner knows how to recognize it.
Is subspace safe?
Subspace is totally safe, as long as the Dom is fully aware and respectful of the sub’s boundaries, which need to be negotiated before play begins. These negotiations are essential before any kink and BDSM scene. It's an opportunity to get really clear on boundaries, safe words, and the kinds of play you’d like to engage in. Sit down with your partner and talk through how you see the scene playing out. You are co-collaborators and both have equal say in how everything goes down.
Not everyone knows what their boundaries are if they haven’t played before, so having a safe word is very helpful. However, “the [Dom] should take care, and recognize that safe words often do not work when someone is in subspace and be very conscientious of that,” Criss says.
A person in a trance-like state can’t necessarily speak up if their boundaries are being crossed, and it’s quite possible that they might be so deep into subspace that they do not realize if their boundaries are being crossed. Because of this reality, it’s the responsibility of the Dom to know what those boundaries are, and respect them. This means communicating fully before the play begins so that everyone is on the same page.
If your partner goes into subspace and you’re unsure of a boundary, gently stop the play and let them come out of subspace so that the two of you can reconnect. This is a good opportunity to discuss what happened and get clear on how you’d like to move forward.
What is sub drop?
Since being in subspace is a highly emotive experience, it can come along with a post-session crash in the minutes, hours, or days following an intense scene. “After a scene when the happy hormones start to leave the body, a person can feel that drop,” Criss tells us.
This crash is known as sub drop. “This can cause symptoms like being irritated, sensitive, confused, disoriented, or emotional," Chiaramonte explains. "It's normal, but necessary to have an action plan.”
This is why aftercare is so important in BDSM. This is when the Dom and sub engage in a post-care routine to ensure both parties are able to return to a sense of psychological equilibrium. How you practice aftercare will depend on your needs. It can look like cuddling, making the sub a cup of tea, taking a hot shower, talking about what happened during the scene, and more. It’s about creating a safe and comforting place to calm down and feel settled after such emotional highs.
If you’re new to BDSM and haven’t experienced subspace before, you can maximize your safety by playing with Doms who know what they’re doing. Because you’re in an altered state of consciousness, your partner needs to know how to make the play safe for you the whole time.
If finding an experienced Dom isn't an option for you—maybe you're in a monogamous relationship and you're both trying this out for the first time—taking classes is a great way to learn all about BDSM. Your local sex shop might offer workshops, and there are plenty you can take online, including Chiaramonte’s comprehensive (and very fun) courses on kink and rope tying.
This week’s mantras:
I deserve pleasure.
I deserve orgasms.
I will love myself.
I love you. Have a great week!
XOXO Auntie Gigi
This newsletter originally appeared on Men’s Health.
That’s it for me this week, pals. I love you. Remember that sex should be fun and playful. Trying new things is a great way to stay happy and healthy.
