Having trouble getting off with a partner? It might be death grip.

Here's what you need to know and how to get past it.

Jun 30, 2025

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Hey babe,

Haven't heard of “death grip?” That’s OK. Not many people have, despite it being a widespread masturbation practice amongst male-bodied people, far and wide. And not only widespread, but dangerous. Not in the life threatening sense, but in the can-mess-with-your-life-and-be-super-annoying sense.

This sexual term was originally coined by Dan Savage, a sex columnist and sex pioneer. “It refers to men that masturbate with an overly tight grip on their penises (or in any fashion that applies a LOT of pressure, like humping a mattress) who later go on to have difficulty orgasming during partner sex,” explains Sarah Martin, MA, a certified sex coach. It can also lead to an inability to orgasm and issues maintaining erections.

This means you might be gripping your penis with your hand so tightly, that having sex with a partner (such as P in the V, oral sex etc.) can feel unexciting or understimulating for you. Let’s be real, a vagina or mouth is never going to be as tight as a hand. This is just science.

When your penis isn’t feeling sensation (or very little), it can be a pretty terrifying thing, especially if you have no idea what’s going on: One day you’re getting off to your favorite hardcore porn and the next day, when faced with an opportunity to have human-on-human contact, your penis isn’t doing “what it’s supposed to.”

Here is everything you need to know about death grip, why we do it, and some solutions to ensure it doesn’t interfere with your life.

Masturbation and death gripping

Firstly, let’s state the obvious: There is nothing wrong with masturbation. It is a healthy expression of human sexuality. Inviting a discussion of death grip into the cultural zeitgeist does not mean that we are suddenly anti-masturbation.

Whether you’re single, in a long-term relationship, dating around, open, or polyamorous, masturbation is a wonderful way to release tension and get in touch with your body.

But, like anything in life, sometimes too much of a “good” thing can can have unpleasant consequences. While masturbation is awesome, it can just so happen that your masturbation techniques may have the potential to disrupt other areas of your sex life.

“Humans are creatures of habit and the same goes for our genitals. If someone gets accustomed to experiencing orgasm from a lot of pressure, changing to a context with less pressure and more subtle sensations can make it difficult to experience orgasm,” Martin says.

Why do people do this?

There are many reasons why someone might use death grip. The most obvious being: It feels good. You may start masturbating this way as a preteen or teenager, increasing pressure overtime as your penis starts needing more and more pressure. (There may be a link to masturbation with death grip and penile nerve damage but there currently isn’t enough scientific data to support this conclusion).

A lot of the context for death grip has to do with sex-shame. We have limited access to sex education, a lot of shame messages around masturbation based in religion and pretty terrible media representations as a whole on the subject.

When you see highly amped up versions of sex in porn and have no other form of education, you start to rely more heavily on hyper-stimulating images to reach orgasm. Additionally, Martin says that young men are often so afraid of getting caught masturbating, that they develop a death grip to get it “over with” as quickly as possible.

How to overcome death grip

If you want to get around the adverse effects of death grip, you have to change the way you masturbate. Of course, this is a simple answer to a not-so-simple problem.

Martin says to “Practice solo! When masturbating, use a light touch and use lube. Focus on what feels good.” This will definitely leave you frustrated. Try to remember that this isn’t an easy fix. Teaching you body to enjoy new and less intense stimulation will take time and patience. Get yourself a great lube that stays in place.

I’m pretty obsessed with Cocolube. It’s all natural, long-lasting, and helps increase sensitivity. I’d also suggest trying Foria, CBD (and THC) lubricants that are usually used to increase blood flow to the clitoris. It can do the same for penises!

It’s a good idea to change up your routine, try different kinds of porn or fantasy, and just generally add in different kinds of stimulation to alter your experience. This can help with desensitization both by training your brain and body to experience different kinds of pleasure.

Remember, you’re not alone.

Do you need to take porn off the table?

You don’t need to stop watching porn to overcome death grip. If you choose to take a break from it, that’s totally up to you. It can be beneficial for some men to step entirely away from erotic materials when conquering other sexual concerns.

But you don’t have to stop, if you don’t want to. Instead, Martin suggests an alternative that can both keep porn in the rotation, and help you redefine your relationship with this kind of material:

“Don't touch yourself while you watch porn. Soak up the images, savour it, get crazy turned on,” she says. “Then, turn off the laptop, go to another room, and replay the images in your mind while you masturbate. This allows you to tune more into the sensations in your penis, without distraction from all the input to your eyes.”

If you slip up, forgive yourself

With the inevitable frustrations that will likely occur when finding new masturbation ground, it can be overwhelming. You might find that you get so fed up, you go back to your old death grip ways.

That is OK! Forgive yourself and start anew. Old habits die hard. There is a reason for this saying, even if you can’t forgive the pun.

“The temptation to just take yourself to pound town and get it over with can be immense. And, if you do go back to your old habit after trying for a while, don't be hard on yourself. Just resolve to go longer next time, and eventually you will get there,” Martin tells me.

This week’s mantras:

Pleasure is pleasure and how I find it is A-OK.
I am worthy of a huge and wide-ranging experience of pleasure in a way that feels authentic to me.
I will love myself.

I love you. Have a great week!

XOXO Auntie Gigi

This newsletter originally appeared on Men’s Health

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